Wednesday, August 27, 2008

037: Here Comes Mister Lucky

Continued from 036: The Battle Erupts
The heroes were outnumbered and suffering heavy losses. Dry-Man, Fadeaway, Captain Depresso, Solar, Dismembro, Serial Hang-Man, Photogra-She, Player One, Player Three, and many others had fallen in battle. Breakneck was doing her best to whisk her fallen comrades to the medical tent where several doctors had set up. Unfortunately, only a few were actually competent. Doctor Bob Smith, who may be a centaur, was one of them. The other was El Scientist Magnifico. The other doctors were Steve the Wanna-Be Doctor and Doctor Marth, who had a degree but got it because his roommates kept dying. Needless to say, things were looking grim.

Charleston sat on the hood of Ishmael with Land Captain by the tent.

"Where's your girlfriend?" he said, sipping cocoa.

"She's out there with her fish."

"My goodness. Hey, you're a superhero. Why aren't you out there?"

"I'm not good at these all-out brawls. I may pop in, in case they need me."

"I think they do."

"I hate to interrupt," said Ishmael, "But I'm receiving a list of the fallen."

"Say it," said Charleston, who had become quite pale.

"Captain Depresso, deceased. Player One, deceased. Shrugs, deceased. The Forgiver, deceased. Player Two, deceased. Fadeaway, deceased. Shizamablock, deceased. Papery Pyramid, deceased. Clyde the Embryonic Man, deceased. Dismembro the Dismembered Man, deceased. Serial Hang-Man, deceased. Photogra-She, deceased. Dry-Man, deceased. Solar, deceased. Benji, deceased. Vehigirl, deceased. Clarence Claybourne, deceased. Tal Andreos, deceased. Jimmy Swift III, deceased. Ben Johansen, deceased. Liana Koleyna, deceased. Shall I continue?"

"No," whispered Land Captain, "That won't be necessary."

"We didn't have that many people to begin with," said Charleston, "Then they got those armies. We never stood a chance."

"I need to get out there. If I don't make it back, take care of Ishmael for me. You've been a good friend, Charleston."

Charleston nodded, but was silent as Land Captain ran into the fray. Minutes later, Ishmael began to drone on again:

"Land Captain. Deceased."

"Ishmael. Shut the hell up," said Charleston softly.

Charleston sat in silence, and waited for the fighting to be over. He guessed, though, that even if the villains won they would continue. When they won, he should say. He decided that he would have to do something, and he hopped off the car and began to stride off into the battle.

A firm but friendly hand on his shoulder stopped him. Charleston turned, and came face-to-face with two men in suits, one of them a battered Anderson Smith.

"Are you Charleston Charge?" said the one who was not Anderson.

"Yes. I need to get out there. Better to die now than wait for death to find me," said Charleston.

"My name is Mark King, and I speak on behalf of a select group of individuals when I say I can't let you do that. We're the good guys, after all. We'll win out in the end."

"I just listened to a good friend die, and many others besides."

"I know, and I'll be Mark King it down in my report. Get it?"

"Now is not the time for puns!" shouted Charleston, "You bastard! You utter bastard, standing here and making puns while men and women risk lay down their lives!"

"I know what I'm doing, son. Now watch. See that, up in the sky?" said Mark King, pointing.

Charleston strained his eyes, and saw a tiny dot become gradually larger.

"Is that a gyrocopter?"

"Indeed. It's the European branch of the Astounding Superhero Syndicate, and just the first wave of reinforcements."

The gyrocopter crashed into the giant Nazi mech, taking it out. Several figures erupted from the remains of it, taking the fight to the villains. A man in a sphere flew into battle and began shooting balls at the armies of bears and monkeys.

A Scotsman with a box leapt in front of Watt, and bellowed, "Do ye want to see what's in me box?" He opened it and pulled out a large rubber hammer which should not have fit into the box. He hit Watt with it, but was cut down from behind by a Middle Eastern man in a robe. Before anyone could react, he exploded.

"Llwellyn, deceased. Scottish Box Man, deceased. Kinetosphere, deceased. Scooter, deceased. Englishman, deceased. Captain Monocle, deceased. Britain Sandy, deceased," said Ishmael, unbidden.

The Middle Eastern man emerged unscathed. Charleston turned to Mark King again, who simply put his forefinger to his lip. Charleston watched as the good guys were pummeled.

Elsewhere, Wyandotte Thompson, who had helped Player One and Shrugs begin their quest, arrived being ridden by a full-sized brachiosaur. This was Brachiosaur B. Brachiosaur.

"Please, Brachiosaur, I can't carry you much farther!" whined Wyandotte.

"Brachiosaur!" said Brachiosaur.

Before they could reach the battlefield, a monkey with the head of a tyrannosaurus rex blocked their path.


It was a stalemate.

Back at the battlefield, everyone had mysteriously stopped. A robot shaped like an ass was walking through, singing a song, followed by a marching band. The band was whining about not eating in months, but the Ass-Bot paid them no heed. Hero and villain alike watched as Ass-Bot marched his way through the battlefield, but once he was gone, the battle raged on.

Plasticine Cube and Metallic Spheroid were having a difficult time of it. While they were adept at fighting pyramids, other things were beyond them.

"For once, I wish the Flesh-Pod and Ostrypus were here!" said Metallic Spheroid as he rammed a bear.

"I do as well!" said Plasticine Cube as another bear slashed him, "PAIN!"

Spheroid rushed over to him. "Are you all right, my friend?"

"I am damaged. I fear I shall not make it."

"No! I shall not lose you as well on this day!"

"It is too late. I... am... off..." Plasticine Cube said no more.

Metallic Spheroid turned to the bear and rammed it as hard as he could, screaming while he did so.

"You have taken all my friends!" he screamed, running in a circle, "I shall have no more of this tom-foolery!"

"Not all of them!" said a bean-shaped green creature with a golden energy-filled hat.

"The Mikep!"

"I brought some friends, too! In fact, one of them sort of brought me here because I had no idea what was going on, but now I'm here!"

"Hey, I'm going to go hang out with Doctor Derangemo instead," said a bird-thing named Cruton, "See you later."

Mikep was too busy to notice. Elsewhere, a vampire who looked vaguely like Willy Wonka had gone into a blood rage.

"BANGLES!" he cried, savagely attacking the dogs, even as one devoured an Asian member of the Bicycle Pozze.

"Oh, hey!" said Graves, who was nearby, "You'll just be hungry an hour later!"

"Instead of the Asian eating the dog, it's the dog eating the Asian!" replied Ethan.

Ethan and Graves' eyes met, filled with rage.

"Mine was better," said Graves.

A gnome in a pointy hat stood on a dish high above the battle and he incanted spells. Below, another Double O fought valiantly with a sword. There were a lot of Double Os.

Motley Shakespeare had gathered several members of the Pozze and converted them into a theater troop, which was performing for several hobos around a trash-can.

"Sammiches?" said one, who was heavily armed. This was Baggy Brigadier.

"Sammiches," said the other, who was Baggy Johnson.

The nefarious Baggy Satan was also there, deciding some time ago he liked this better than doing any actual work.

The battle stopped again, as three figures ran onto the battlefield singing a song:

"Napkin Man, and the Spork! Fighting crime, and doing stuff! When they get home, they'll eat pie! It is called Hero Pie, and it is made with cherries or apples! The Spork likes cherries, but Napkin Man does not!"

More loudly than the first bit of song, they shouted, "It's innuendo!"

Napkin Man wore a flannel shirt and a napkin mask, while the Spork merely used Sporks to fight with. The third member of the team, the Napkin Vixen, wore three napkins. One on her face, the other two covering her chest. Napkin Man was an enigma to most people there, and when the fighting raged on and he gave his life for Napkin Vixen's, no one really cared but the Spork and Napkin Vixen. The Spork screamed with rage, and declared himself to be the Spork Avenger.

Charleston stood on the sidelines with Mark King, who was still holding him back.

"It's working itself backwards," said Mark King.

Charleston knew he would get no answer if he asked what.

The next person to arrive was a young man with a large sword. He punched out Shoshy Raphael and vanished.

After him, however, a plane appeared in the sky and several people sky-dived into the fray to take care of the Zodiac. Leo Leopolous declared his intention to kill agents, and the fight was on. Fighting most valiantly was Agent Villain, a brilliant double agent. He even made it look like he was attacking his own allies, he was so dedicated. In the sky, the Paragon People returned on their platform and joined the fight.

"Is that what we were waiting for?" asked Charleston, awed by what he was seeing.


It was then that Charleston noticed a single man in the middle of the battlefied, dancing the Charleston. He was slightly amused by this, but he also felt a supreme amount of hate. The battle stopped, and he could hear the man singing:

"Charleston, Charleston, Cha-cha-cha-cha-Charlie Charleston. Da da da, I'm better than you!" sang the man.

An imp materialized, and the man tried to dance away from the imp. He did not succeed, and vanished when the imp touched him. Everyone applauded, and then continued to fight.

"Thank God!" said a voice from behind Charleston, "I hate that guy! Now what's all the trouble?"

Charleston turned to find himself face-to-face with Mister Lucky and the original Basset Hound Brigade.

"Is this what we were waiting for?" said Charleston.

"Yes," said Mark King, "This is it."

To be concluded in 038: Always Remember, Never Forget

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