Wednesday, August 27, 2008

036: The Battle Erupts

Continued from 035: The Villains Assemble
The gathered heroes stared at the incoming villains.

"Are those pyramids?" said Dry-Man, "Which villain is that?"

"They're new," said Captain Depresso, who had found himself on the front lines.

"Pyramids and monkeys?"

"They're new, too. At least, new to me."

"Shambling undead."

"We got those," said Player One, readying his gun.

"I estimate that we're pretty screwed," said Clyde.

Lsadfsagi appeared, "I bring hope."

"What?" said Captain Depresso.

"I bring hope."

A sphere, two cubes, and a pyramid manifested.

"Where did you bring us?" said the Metallic Spheroid, though Lsadfsagi had vanished. When he realized this, he cursed softly in binary.

"This is obviously the real world," said the Plasticine Cube, "Though why he brought us here, I have no idea."

"Yo, this is whack. Whickity-whack," said another cube, made of charcoal and dubbed Shizamablock.

"Hey guys, I think maybe we're in trouble," said the Papery Pyramid, "Look over there!"

"Legions of evil pyramids!" said Metallic Spheroid, "Also, other things which will no doubt hinder us!"

"Ah, but over here we have what appears to be assembled heroes!" said the Cube, "I see now why we were brought here!"

"ACTION!" said the Spheroid and Cube together.

"Are you guys done? We sort of have to go defend the world from an army of evil. I'm pretty sure that's Hitler over there," said Dry-Man.

"Indeed," said Cube, "Onward to action!"

"Dude, what the hell?" said Dry-Man to Captain Depresso, "Seriously."

Captain Depresso shrugged, as the amassed heroes sped forward to meet the villains, and the battle was joined. Members of the Paci Custodis fought valiantly against the hordes of the supernatural. Superheroes fought their villains, and at times each other, somehow not dying despite the odds against them. The shapes fought just as well as the heroes, and truth be told, everyone was having a better time than they had had in a while.

"Leave no hero standing!" shouted the Red Scare over the din as he held the Forgiver in his lobster claw.

"You owe me something," said the Forgiver, kicking the Red Scare in his side, forcing the Red Scare to drop him. He landed on his feet, and pounced at the Red Scare, punching him in the jaw and knocking him to the ground. He applied pressure the Red Scare's throat, and leaned in closely. "An apology."

Red Scare looked at him, befuddled.

"Do it!"

"I apologize," said the Red Scare.

"That's all I needed," said the Forgiver, standing up.

Player One was standing nearby, finishing off a ghoul. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" said the Forgiver as the Red Scare crawled away.

"You let him go. He's just going to go off and do more evil."

"He apologized. You have to believe in the power of forgiveness, chum."

"You have entirely too much honor. I mean, look, he just cut the top off a fire hydrant and threw it at the Moonman Marauder. Does he look repentant?"

"I'll do things my way, you do things yours," said the Forgiver, sprinting off to dole out justice and forgiveness to some deserving soul.

The battle raged on. The Astounding Superhero Syndicate assembled, fighting off monkeys and whatnot.

"Dismembro!" shouted Go-To Guy, "Get to it!"

"I can't do anything," said Dismembro, who was a mere head, "I told you, my limbs don't listen to me anymore. I think my left foot might be on its way, but past that, everything is everywhere else."

"Serial Hang-Man?" shouted Go-To Guy.

"He hung himself," said Dismembro.

"Well, that is what he does," said Go-To Guy, "Photogra-She?"

"She's off taking pictures of the battle and Serial Hang-Man."

"Good work, I guess. Two Places at Once Man?"

"Here!" he said, and another man some distance away shouted, "Here!" Both were fighting random psychopaths.

"Well, good to see we're all doing well," said Go-To Guy, and he flew off to fight the giant Nazi mech.

Thus the battle experienced its first casualty, that of the Serial Hang-Man. He got better quickly, and went off to hang himself somewhere else.

Dry-Man faced off against his hated foe, Hydrox, launching bubbles of dryness through his form. Hydro Knight snuck up behind him, leapt in, and began swimming around, causing Hydrox to become quite disoriented. Out of the blue, however, a manatee in a suit leapt into Hydrox, dislodging Hydro Knight.

Hydro Knight gasped at the sight of his sworn enemy...

"Man O. Tee! The Sea Cow of Crime!" said Lifeguard Kitty, who could talk and breathe underwater due to a complex back-story.

"Ha ha! You thought you could do something like this without catching my attention? My flippers are in all manner of crime, and you can't touch me because I'm endangered!"

Hydro Knight and Man O. Tee stared at each other for what seemed like hours, until Hydro Knight muttered, "I hate you."

Doctor Greenthumb used his power of photosynthesis to harness the power of Solar and erect a giant tree-monster, which joined the giant Nazi mech, the Texan, and America's Fastest Growing Criminal in creating general havoc. Solar, significantly weakened, dropped to the ground and found himself at the mercy of the Unibear, a loose cannon bear on a unicycle who was good or evil depending on how well he could keep his balance. In this case, he managed to keep steady and went on to maul Doctor Greenthumb.

"Oh lord," said Solar, "The bears are coming."

On the sidelines, a man who looked like a dirty Shakespeare hopped off a boxcar. This was Motley Shakespeare, and he began writing about the battle before him. Two others leapt off behind him, and they began shooting monkeys with a ray gun which caused them to do nasty things to each other. Motley Shakespeare sighed, and continued writing.

The Neo-Bassets were squaring off with the Crazy Azz Crocker Park Bicycle Pozze. This amounted to several members of the Pozze riding their bikes around the Neo-Bassets and trying to be gangsta.

"You guys are all white!" shouted Fadeaway, "Except him! He's Asian!"

"Don't be a hat-ah!" said the Asian one.

Fadeaway knew better than to punch them, since he had super-strength and they were young punks. He had no idea how they had gotten all the way to South Carolina, really. Benji, being a dog, did not care how young they were, and he attacked one, knocking him off his bike and into the ground.

"Bad dog!" said Fadeaway, "Bad... dog?" He looked up, and saw several man-dogs striding the battlefield, shrugging off nearly everything thrown at them. He turned and came face to face with a lion.

A lion riding on a larger lion.

"What?" said Fadeaway, making himself intangible.

"Honey!" said the lion.


"Let's kill agents!" said the lion, both attacking Fadeaway.

Nearby, more Gemini Twin Troopers appeared as if they had been hiding behind stray air molecules, and they began shooting. A cyborg appeared with a nun and a black man dressed for the disco. An English policeman wearing rocket-boots sped through the air. A man in a Pharaoh's crown instructed a squadron of women to begin the attack. Several more less interesting people stood around angrily. Doctor Aquarius saw this and smiled, for Zodiac had arrived from the depths of time. Leo Leopolous, the king of the lions. Leroy Cancer, their leader and a cyborg. Sister Mary Naida Virgo, who may have been a Vatican double agent. Balthazar Scorpius, the Mastakat, ruler of the disco. Captain Rocket Fumblecorn, crooked bobby. Gamblin' Pharaoh Pisces McCool whose true name was very long, and his Strikeforce of wives. Gem Aries and Wether Tourus, who were basically there because their names corresponded to signs of the Zodiac.

Captain Depresso saw this, and became even more depressed and distraught.

"How dare you not invite the Nantucket Dragon Group?" said a voice from behind him. Captain Depresso turned to see Shoshy Raphael, who had a white coat draped over his shoulders and a ring. To his left were a British pickpocket, a monkey, and a Native American. To his right, a mad looking-man in a robe and a stage magician.

Captain Depresso did the only logical thing in this situation, which was to turn and run. He was too late, however, as the man in a robe reached into his basket of eggs and said, "No one runs from Guy Magistro!" and hurled an egg at the retreating figure, knocking him to the ground. Magistro began pelting others with various colored eggs.

"The Amazing Rando shall make you disappear!" said the magician to Dry-Man, though he merely kicked him in the groin and knocked him down.

Guerdon Trueblood, the Native American, merely began punching Dry-Man.

"Blimey!" said the pickpocket, "This looks like a task befittin' Simon MacCockindale and his Monkey!" He managed to pick Dry-Man's pockets, despite him not having any. Dry-Man was thoroughly beaten.

"Enough fun! We must summon Baggy Satan to ensure our victory! Earth!" said Shoshy Raphael, holding up his ring.

"Wind!" said Guerdon Trueblood.

"Water!" said the Amazing Rando.

"Fire!" said Guy Magistro.

"Momentum!" said Simon.

"Oy! What's all this, then!" said a demon from the netherworld, the nefarious Baggy Satan.

The Nantucket Dragon Group all laughed maniacally while someone who looked like a typical vaudeville villain planted spherical bombs in places to trip up the heroes. This was Snippley Marrowind, and he was quite evil.

Elsewhere, a bear made of moldy pizza joined forces with a man in a bear suit and another bear, both who shot a disturbing liquid from their claws. They ravaged many people.

A giant of a man began to stride the battlefield, golden and glimmering with an afro like you would not believe. He had a disco ball embedded in his chest, and he shot lasers and all who touched him went into hallucinations. He spoke with two voices, and bent in ways no one should. This was Disco, and he could pleasure himself... orally.

More bears, monkeys, pyramids, Gemini Twin Troopers, and wanna-be street toughs seemed to materialize by the second. The bears were being produced by the mysterious Bear Machine, at least. The heroes began to be overwhelmed by sheer numbers.

Then, from nowhere, salvation.
To be continued in 037: Here Comes Mister Lucky

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