032: Six to Salvation

Should Player One and Shrugs join forces with Player Two, the Forgiver, and Captain Depresso?
Yes: 5 votes
No: 1 vote

---

Moments later, Player One had defeated Player Two, a fact partially attributed to the judiciously applied pillow-case of Justice, utilized by Shrugs in an attempt to get things over with. Before Player One could begin another game, the Forgiver unplugged the television and placed Player One in a chair.

"I was kind of too busy to think about whether or not you guys should come with us, so just give me a few more minutes and I'll get back to you," said Player One.

Shrugs hit him in the back of the head and pointed to the Forgiver, captain Depresso, and Player Two. He gave them a thumbs-up, and nodded while heading towards the door.

"I'm glad that's settled," said the Forgiver, fastening his cape, "Onward to the Rentawagon!"

The quintet left the hotel room and piled into the Forgiver's rented van before they realized they had to pay the bill. The Forgiver went to square things away, and several currency and bureaucracy-filled moments later, he returned and started the van.

"Onward to South Carolina!" he cried, leaning out the window slightly, "Let the unrepentant know that where they are, the Forgiver will go!"

Player One, sitting behind him, snorted and made a unintelligible but obviously disparaging comment about the Forgiver's rhyme which he and Player Two proceeded to laugh at. It was no skin off the Forgiver's nose, however, and the quintet was off to rescue Charleston Charge.

Days later, kept on track by the Forgiver and Shrugs, the quintet arrived in South Carolina. After a brief rest and recuperation session, they piled back into the Rentawagon and made their way to Charleston Charge's location. Player One passed the time by looking out the window:

"Box house, box house, box house, all these freaking houses look like boxes, nursing home, box house, box house. My God, how are we going to tell which one it is?"

Shrugs, who had purchased a chalkboard and some chalk at an outlet mall, wrote "We have address" on his chalkboard, and smacked Player One. Shrugs had not enjoyed the trip. He proceeded to write down the address for the benefit of the Forgiver.

"The street number is 12076?" asked Player Two.

Shrugs wrote, "Yes ???"

"No reason," said Player Two, doing his best to look nonchalant.

Shrugs made a mental note to inquire about this later, if the opportunity presented itself. He could not do so now, as the van stopped in front of a small house. A cloaked woman stood outside, as if waiting for them. This was because this was precisely what she was doing.

Player One and Player Two had a minor tussle trying to get out of the van, and both collapsed in a heap on the street. Shrugs stepped over them. Captain Depresso and the Forgiver exited their respective doors, both having obtained the front seats.

Player One stood up, using Player Two to right himself, and smiled at the robed woman. "Hello, E! I was wondering what happened to you on the bus."

"I was required elsewhere, but I've now returned. I see you have brought allies."

Player One nodded and said, "Sure did! Two superheroes and another Paci Custodis. I've known this guy my whole life."

"Shall we continue?" said the robed woman.

The quintet expressed half-hearted agreement, and followed her into the house. The remains of Rocky Rode had been picked clean by something, though no one wanted to imagine what. They went through the house and into the basement, finally standing in front of the portal Charleston had entered some time previously.

"They'll be expecting us, no doubt," said E.

"So we either hit them so hard and fast that they can't see what's coming, or slow and all stealthy like ninja," said Player One, "Which one do you guys think is best?"

---

How should they hit them?
-Hard and fast
-Slow and stealthy

031: Asylum to Remember

Should Captain Depresso let Player Two come?
Yes: 6 votes
No: 1 vote

---

Captain Depresso shrugged and said, "Why not?"

"Hurrah!" shouted Player Two, "Drinks on me, everyone!"

"On your tab, you mean, ribbit?" said the Loveland Frog, his froggy eyes filled with bitterness.

"Whatever," said Player Two, grabbing a random bottle of beer and chugging it, "Do either of you have a car or anything?"

"No," said Captain Depresso, pouring out his bottle of beer, much to the Loveland Frog's chagrin.

"I only use vehicles in times of extreme duress. It interferes with my tracking ability," said the Forgiver, refusing his bottle.

"We don't need to track anyone now. It's an asylum outside of Cleveland," said Player Two, "How hard could it be to find?"

"You're right! Onward to repentance!"

The Forgiver exited Loveland's with a flourish, Captain Depresso with his shoulders hunched and his eyes on the ground, and Player Two hastily grabbing his belongings.

Two weeks passed, and all three men were in desperate need of a shower and a shave. Captain Depresso had become even more miserable, and the Forgiver's tracking skills were the only thing keeping the trio alive in the wilderness. Unfortunately, he specialized in tracking people, and not animals, and Player Two was the only one willing to do any sort of hunting. Captain Depresso's self-centered sulk, however, made him a curiosity to the local wildlife. This saved time, in the long run, and all three men were eating parts of a squirrel, roasted on a spit with an acorn in its mouth.

"You know what? This is almost the worst part of my life so far," said Captain Depresso, looking forlornly at the squirrel and slowly becoming Captain Seething-With-Rage-and-a-Gnawing-Hunger, "That's saying a lot. What I want to know is, how did none of us realize that Cleveland is a major metropolitan area and is bound to have a pretty large outside of area. Especially since we all operate in major metropolitan areas. Now, if either of you were with the Neo-Bassets, I could kind of understand. They operate in a small town, after all, and outside of it is pretty limited, kind of. Also, they're in the country, so they'd know if there was an asylum anywhere near them. Also, they all have super-powers."

"I've kind of got super-powers," said Player Two, gnawing on a branch.

"You only have super-powers when some sort of supernatural entity is about, and I doubt any of them would be helpful right now."

"So I guess you two don't want to start a superhero trio, then?"

Captain Depresso had no superpowers, unless you counted nigh-limitless reserves of depression within his soul a super-power. However, at certain times, he could utilize a stare with the intensity of a thousand imploding stars, which did no damage but made it clear that if you kept talking then he would break his super-heroic oath of non-killing just to shut you up. Player Two got the message, and continued gnawing on his branch silently.

The Forgiver watched all of this with a concerned expression. He felt that, as the elder of the three, he was somehow responsible for the two young men. He had never seen Captain Depresso like this, except perhaps before his accident, but he had encountered members of the Paci Custodis before. Player Two's abilities were not to be discounted, especially since you were probably in trouble if they perked up. All in all, he thought that he should do something to diffuse the situation, and so he smiled and said, "Let's all start a sing-song!"

Perhaps it was providence that made the bulbous-headed flesh-eating midgets attack at that point, or perhaps it was just coincidence. Whichever one it was, the three men sprang into action, somewhat limited by malnutrition. All three were used to the lackluster sleeping arrangements they had encountered on this impromptu camping trip. Player Two quickly turned his branch into a club, and began whacking midgets while shouting various quotes from Nintendo games. The Forgiver, highly trained in most martial arts, was using his own body as a weapon, knocking out midgets left and right. Captain Depresso half-heartedly slapped at them as they came near.

"Captain Depresso! Use your rage!" shouted the Forgiver as he picked up one of the midgets and hurled it at another.

Captain Depresso thought for a moment. He had an image to keep up, but the only people out here were a fellow super-hero, a Paci Custodis, and a bunch of flesh-eating bulbous-headed midgets. Not only that, but he had not always been Captain Depresso. He had once been a rich, well-rounded, happy person and that had been taken away from him so dramatically that it had launched him into a constant state of mid-level depression. He was also quite hungry, and needed to hit something badly. Since the Forgiver was his friend and Player Two was his ally, that left the midgets.

He lashed out with a fist, remembering how it felt to actually fight crime instead of sulking at it, and taking out a midget. He laughed, and said, "Take that, you melon-head!" He felt the old repartee come back to him, as well. The trio fought valiantly for some time, but soon the twin threats of exhaustion and the sheer number of melon-heads doomed them. One by one, they fell, each fully expecting to be some melon-head's dinner. Instead, like ants picking up a ham, each man was carried away to an ominous building on a hill, silhouetted against the moon, surrounded by ornate wrought-iron gates.

Why yes, that IS the asylum they were headed to.

They woke up, strapped to tables with various medical tubes poking into them. The melon-heads were caged, and a tall thin man in a lab coat stood with his back to them, staring out the window at the forests surrounding the asylum.

"Wha hoppened?" said Captain Depresso, noticing that he had been left in his so-called costume. None of this bode very well.

He heard a sigh from both sides.

"Now he's going to monologue," said Player Two.

"Of course he is, he's the Red Scare!" said the Forgiver.

The man turned around, revealing a right arm which was a giant crab-claw and a bearded face. He snapped the claw, and smiled a sinister smile.

"Indeed I am," he said.

"Who?" said Player Two. Captain Depresso groaned.

The Red Scare stormed over to Player Two, but began pacing back and forth and waving his arms around while he spoke. "I am the Red Scare, you insolent whelp! Once upon a time, I fought the forces of both the Basset Hound Brigade and CAST, but it was my opus that proved to be my undoing. After yet another defeat at the hands of the agents of CAST, I turned my attentions to benevolence, to the protection of the United States of America, a land which I hold so dear that I began constructing a massive brick wall around it. Yet, once I completed the wall at the Mexican border, a small green creature and his companions confounded me by exploding and destroying my beautiful wall. At this point, I went mad and made my way north in pursuit of this creature and committing random minor atrocities in my wake. Eventually, however, I was stopped in my pursuit by that infernal Moonman Marauder and his so-called pal, Scoop Griswald. How I hate them! I was imprisoned here, alongside other so-called mad scientists and super-villains under the pretense that no one would think of looking for us in Ohio. It was mere child's play to take over this asylum and turn it over to a new goal: the capture and brainwashing of various super-beings! Soon, I shall have an army with which to take over Ohio, and then the world!" He began to laugh maniacally.

All three men were silent, and the Red Scare put his open claw to the Forgiver's throat.

"Say it!" he commanded, "Say it!"

"Say what?" said the Forgiver, trying not to swallow.

"Call me a fiend and tell me I'll never get away with it!"

"All right. You'll never get away with it, you fiend!"

"Ah, like audio ambrosia. The green creature never called me a fiend, either. Someday I shall find him and make him pay for his insolence."

"How many soldiers do you have? Also, what the hell are those things?" said Player Two, motioning to the melon-heads.

"None, alas. It's quite hard to get heroes and the more powerful class of super-villain admitted to an asylum, regrettably. However, I have the Player One and the Shrugs, and they led you three to me. A plan emerges like Venus on the half-shell! A thing of simple beauty, oh yes! Using you three as bait, I can gather more and more super-beings, each none the wiser about the true goings-on at this asylum! Glorious!"

"Fine, but what the hell are those things?"

"They were already here. Some sort of experiment, I think. Quite useful, and actually very easy to train. I wish I stumbled upon them years ago."

"At this point, I would like to say that the Paci Custodis are not allowed to tangle with super-villains, so you should just let me go," said Player Two.

"It's too late for that," said the Forgiver, "In fact, I'd wager we'll all in this pretty deep."

"I have a question," said Captain Depresso, "What happened to the super-villains here?"

"Oh, they're still here, as well as many garden-variety psychopaths. All in all, I'm quite well off, but there's nothing like the psychological edge of pitting one's erstwhile allies against each other. Indeed, my scheme shall have a magnificent pay-off, the stuff of legends!"

"This really blows. I mean, seriously. Also, I thought we had to save Player One so we could help him save some other guy? That other guy is probably dead by now. Ah, and wouldn't someone have come looking for us by now?"

"They probably are, and they'll just use our various tracking devices to find us, most likely, and once they find out what they're up against, if they haven't already, why, you'll have quite a fight on your hands, Red Scare," said the Forgiver.

"Yeah, I have two jobs, and one of them is bound to be looking for me!" said Player Two, "One of those jobs includes a bunch of monsters, by the way. You're in for some SFB, Red Scare."

"Ha! You expect me to fall for that? You three are expendable!" said the Red Scare.

"Expendable like those little strings you used to get in action figures," said Player Two, "You'd throw them away and find out later how much you needed them. We're like that."

"Captain Depresso, can't Fadeaway become invisible and intangible? He could sneak in here without any effort!" said Forgiver.

"Yeah, he could," said Captain Depresso, "Maybe Clyde is just using our minds as a listening device, too. Perhaps this whole thing was planned from the start, just to catch you off-guard and put an end to your evil scheme, Red Scare."

"You're just trying to frighten me. Also, that metaphor was awfully forced."

"OH MY GOD LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!" said the Forgiver with such force and surprise that everyone looked out the window. He quickly slipped out of his shackles and tore the tubes from his arm, and grabbed something heavy-looking from a table. He used this to hit the Red Scare in the back of his head, and the super-villain slumped to the ground. The Forgiver looked at his companions and smiled, saying, "Good job keeping him talking while I undid my bonds. Let's lock him up and alert someone to the goings-on here."

"Don't you have to make him apologize?" said Captain Depresso.

As the Forgiver spoke, he undid the shackles of Captain Depresso and Player Two, "Young man, I have been stuck out in the woods for two weeks with little food and very little hygiene. I am dirty, hungry, tired, bearded, and on of those melon-heads took a chunk of meat from my leg. I'll come back and get my apology after a good meal, a good night's sleep, a nice hot shower, and a shave. Also, with about three dozen other super-heroes so we can get this place back up to snuff. Let's find Player One and Shrugs, and get the heck out of there."

As Captain Depresso and the Forgiver left the room to search for Player One and Shrugs, Player Two saw a laptop lying underneath a table. He picked it up, turned it on, and uploaded the room directory. He recognized some of the names, but kept searching until he found Player One and Shrugs. Before he turned the laptop off and told his companions of this news, he opened the laptop's Internet browser and, after looking some things up, he sent out an email. Neglecting to turn off the laptop, he hurried after the two super-heroes to free Player One and Shrugs.

-

The Forgiver, being rich, was able to afford several hotel rooms where Players One and Two, Shrugs, Captain Depresso, and the Forgiver spent listless several days recuperating. Players One and Two, who had not seen each other in years, were overjoyed to be reunited and spent most of the time playing video games on the hotel's television. After forcibly separating the pair from it and making them shower and shave, the Forgiver held a meeting.

"From here, the only two people who really need to go are Player One and Shrugs. I figure we're in deep enough trouble as it is, so it won't hurt if the rest of us tag along to provide some support. If you two want to, of course," said the Forgiver.

"I'm game," said Player Two, "That was a pun."

"No it wasn't," said the Forgiver, "How about you, Captain Depresso?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?" said Captain Depresso, who had defaulted to his normal mindset.

"Will you have us?" said the Forgiver.

"Let Shrugs and me think it over for a minute," said Player One, "Or until I kick Player Two's butt at Super Smash Brothers again."

"So you'll be thinking about it forever?" said Player Two with a smirk.

"Shut up!" said Player One.

---

Should Player One and Shrugs join forces with Player Two, the Forgiver, and Captain Depresso?
-Yes
-No

030: Loveland's

What should Clyde do?
-Contact the Forgiver telepathically: 9 votes
-Leave the Forgiver a note: 0 votes
-Leave a note for someone else to do it: 0 votes

---

Clyde pondered his predicament. It would seem that the lazier he wanted to be, the more effort he had to exert. However, the very essence of being lazy was exerting as little effort as possible. He decided to just contact the Forgiver telepathically, and then go off for a smoke. Despite being an embryo, he was well within the legal age to do such a thing. He concentrated, and soon established a rapport with the Forgiver:

"Hey, Forgiver! We got a mission for you. You need to find that Captain Depresso jerk-ass and head to some asylum outside Cleveland. Got it?"

"Indeed I do, old chum," thought the Forgiver, who looked a bit like Zorro without the hat and mustache, and also white as an egg, "The Forgiver will find him, and together we'll do that which we need to do. Which is what, exactly?"

"You need to find this dick-wad named Player One and bust him out. Apparently, the asylum they put him and his pal in isn't on the level. That's what they tell me, at least."

"I'm on it. I'll find Captain Depresso, or my name isn't the Forgiver!"

"Thanks," said Clyde, closing the rapport and heading off for a cigar.

Meanwhile, the Forgiver was standing outside an especially strange bar, coincidentally in the downtown Cleveland area. He turned to a young man who was staring down at the ground. Like the Forgiver, he wore nothing but black, but he wore no mask. He had no loved ones to protect, and this was why he called himself Captain Depresso.

The Forgiver turned to Captain Depresso, and said, "Clyde said I should find you. You've been found, old chum. Now how's about you and I go in and find this murderer?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever," said Captain Depresso, following the Forgiver into the bar.

All the occupants of the bar stopped and stared at the newly-arrived superheroes, and the superheroes did the same.

Captain Depresso looked up and then looked at the Forgiver.

"Is that Bigfoot?" he said, pointing to a large humanoid in a suit. Or, at least with pieces of suit fabric stapled to him.

"I believe that's the Armani Yeti," said the Forgiver, stepping back towards the door, "He's part of the Infarious Eleven."

"Infarious?"

"The leader is an idiot. In any case, if he's here, then I've no doubt our troublemaker is somewhere around here."

"I thought we weren't supposed to do stuff like this. We're superheroes, and they're supernatural creatures. We could get in trouble."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong. Bigfoot and whatnot, they're classified as crypto-zoological creatures. So we can do what we please with them, they're fair game."

"Why are they here, though?"

"This is Loveland's," said a new voice, belonging to a relatively average looking man stepping out of a backroom, "Where crypto-zoological creatures and various other supernatural beings can come to get away from people like you. Who are you two, anyway? White Zorro and Super Emo Kid?"

"I'm the Forgiver, and this is my associate, Captain Depresso. Who might you be, as if I needed to ask, Player Two?"

"Yeah, I'm Player Two. Is this about that guy? Or should I say, that vampire piece of crap? I'm supposed to kill them! It's my job!"

"Tell that to my dead parents!" shouted the Forgiver as he lunged at Player Two.

Player Two tried to drop and roll, but was too late, and soon the Forgiver had him pinned to the ground, with a baton pressed against his throat. The Forgiver leaned in so close that his nose was nearly touching Player Two's, and said, raspily, "Are you sorry?"

"I don't want trouble!" croaked a voice from behind the bar, "Ribbit ribbit!"

"There'll be no trouble if this sinner repents!" said the Forgiver, turning to the speaker, the bipedal Loveland Frog.

"Yeah, fine! I'm sorry!" said Player Two.

"Do you really mean it?" said the Forgiver.

"Yes!"

The Forgiver stood up, and held out his hand to Player Two, who cautiously accepted it.

"Is that it?" said Player Two, brushing himself off.

"Unless my associate has anything to say about it."

"Meh," said Captain Depresso. Neither he nor anyone but the Loveland Frog had really cared about the brief skirmish between the Forgiver and Player Two.

With a flourish, the Forgiver turned and said, "Well then. I guess we're off, then."

"You never said where we're going," said Captain Depresso, kicking the floor arrythmically.

"We have to find some guy named Player One. He's stuck in an asylum outside Cleveland," said the Forgiver.

"Player One?" said Player Two and Captain Depresso simultaneously.

"Indeed, old chums."

"I like him. He's not too bad," said Captain Depresso.

"I haven't heard from him in years," said Player Two, "I want to come with you guys if you go get him."

"That's up to Captain Depresso," said the Forgiver.

"Uh..." said Captain Depresso, avidly aware that he had quickly been put on the spot.

---

Should Captain Depresso let Player Two come?
-Yes
-No

029: Astounding Superhero Syndicate

Who should GR... er, Player One call?
Home: 1 vote
TYRIS: 1 vote
Last resort: 4 votes

---

Player One sat in his cell. To his disappointment, it was not one with the classic bars. Instead, they put him into a plastic room in a strait-jacket. Apparently, Shrugs was also incarcerated in some way in the same building, obviously suffering from some sort of insanity. Player One knew that he and Shrugs were the sane ones here, the ones who could see beyond the exterior into the decayed red eyes of the interior. However, he still had an ace in the hole: the one phone call any prisoner is entitled to. Shrugs was also, technically, entitled to a phone call but his refusal to use modern technology forfeited this privilege. Player One had asked if he could use Shrugs's phone call, and was starkly refused. Now, he had to figure out who to call, an exercise which had so far resulted in failure due to injections and beatings and whatnot. He breathed deeply, sat on the floor, and closed his eyes: he needed some help with this. As he breathed, he found himself transported, at least psychologically, to a world out of a fantasy novel. He was dressed in a green tunic, and was free of the strait-jacket, but still couldn't move his arms. Oh well.

A princess walked up to him and curtsied, "Greetings, Player One. You have need of my wisdom?"

"Indeed I do, fair princess. I've been thrown in a dungeon because they think I'm crazy, and I can send a message to only one person."

"You need to decide which person will do you the most good?"

"Yes. I could call my housemates."

"They would most likely chastise and punish you for leaving. Did you not say that most of them seem to dislike you?"

"Yeah, I think they do, at least. I could call TYRIS, the ones who sent me on this quest."

"There are others who can complete it, should you fail. Do you have anyone else in mind?"

"I have a lot of other people in mind, but either I don't know where they are or they'd be unwilling to help. There is one person, though, who's not too bad and doesn't think I'm too bad either. He's a superhero."

"Perhaps he is the one you should call, then. Fare thee well, Player One. Godspeed!"

Player One woke up, and began shouting for his phone call. Half an hour later, they brought him a tranquilizer and a phone. After they undid his strait-jacket, they handed him the phone and he clumsily but accurately pushed the buttons.

"Hello, is this... that thing? The Astounding Superhero Syndicate?" he said, feeling the effects of the drug.

"You have reached the Astounding Superhero Syndicate," said the answering machine, "Please leave your name and emergency, and we will get back to you as soon as possible, citizen."

"Aw, man. This is Player One. I'm the guy what tried to get in on your team thing. Well, I'm on a quest but now I'm in an asylum outside of Cleveland, and I sort of need help getting out, so I was wondering if you could get my pal out here to bust me out. You know, he's all sad and stuff. Could you get him here? Thanks a lot." Player One dropped the phone, and looked up at the guard, "I got the machine, could I have another call?"

"One call, crazy-pants," said the guard, slamming the door and turning off the light, leaving Player One in darkness.

Player One mused that this was becoming a very complicated mission.

-

Two days later, two members of the Astounding Superhero Syndicate stood by the phone. One was a statuesque gentleman, adorned in a suit of primary colors. He was Go-To Guy, the World's Mightiest Mormon. The other was a giant floating embryo. This was Clyde, the Embryonic Man, and he had neglected to tell anyone that Player One had called.

"Guy's a jerk-ass," said Clyde, projecting his words directly into Go-To Guy's head.

"Language, Clyde," said Go-To Guy, "Just because you don't like Player One doesn't mean his distress is any less important than anyone else's."

"He wanted Captain Depresso, it sounded like. Only thing is, we can't find the guy. He's not really a member of anything right now, he's just sort of wandering around being an emo jerk-ass."

"Language, Clyde," sighed Go-To Guy, "Do we know where he is?"

"Didn't you hear? Player One was arrested. They threw him and his pal into jail for being crazy, thank God. Why should we send anyone to help him?"

"I thank God every day for these powers, my wives, and this life I've been given, Clyde. Besides, I had El Scientist Magnifico run a check. Those cops and that asylum aren't on the level! We need someone to check it out, anyway, and I was thinking we could send the Forgiver to track down this Captain Depresso and the two of them can check out the Asylum. Perhaps they can help him with his quest, too."

"The guy murdered some people."

"He claims they were zombies."

"Yeah, well, whatever. I'll get on the horn and get Forgiver to track down Captain Depresso. I just hope you know what you're doing, Go-To Guy."

"God guides my path," said Go-To Guy, walking away.

"Jerk-ass," said Clyde to himself, "Aw man. I don't want to talk to the Forgiver. Bastard's intense! Maybe I can just leave him a note, or something. Maybe I'll just leave a note here so someone else can take of it. Man, I need me a smoke."

---

What should Clyde do?
-Contact the Forgiver telepathically
-Leave the Forgiver a note
-Leave a note for someone else to take care of it

028: Player One and Shrugs Revealed

What should GR do?
Ignore the bus driver: 0 votes
Watch the bus driver from afar: 6 votes
Watch the bus driver more closely: 2 votes

---

The following is a look into the mind of GR:

"The driver should be watched. I don't want to go up there and actually sit by him, though. I'll just sit here and watch that driver. I will focus all my attention on that driver, and I will watch him with a ferocity seen only in lost jungle tribes. He will know he is being watched, and when I'm done watching him he'll feel like a new man, I will watch him so hard.

Okay, I must have been watching him for a few hours by now.

Forty seconds.

I've only been watching him for forty seconds?

Whatever. I'll just sit back, relax, and start watching him again. A little bit less intensely, maybe. I need to make sure my eyes are in this for the long haul. In fact, maybe I should look out the window every so often so they don't get too strained or tired. Not too long, though, because that driver needs to be watched, for some reason, and-

Was that a cow?

No. It was a rusted-out pick-up truck. Yes, the driver needed to be-

Was that a cow?

Oh my god yes, it was a cow. It was a brown cow and oh my god there's another cow! There's a whole flock of cows or whatever! A herd of cows? Yes, a herd of cows and it was right out there out the window!

I'm going to that window over there, where the action is. This is just fantastic. So freaking amazing. Amos is still asleep, good. E must be in the bathroom or something, because I don't see her anywhere. Oh well, who cares about her when there are cows to be watched. Many, many cows-

Oh. My. God.

Are those buffalo?

It is buffalo. This must be a buffalo farm or something, because there's a bunch of buffalo right there and this might be even greater than the cows. Few things could top-

Are those emu?

I feel like I just did the most amazing thing ever about fifteen million times. I feel simply amazing. Any regrets I had about this bus ride are gone, and I am prepared to say that is was one of the greatest things I have ever done. There is absolutely nothing that could top this trip, and the best part is that once we're done in South Carolina, we'll be coming back this way and I can see the emu, buffalo, and cows again. Maybe I can pick up a second-hand Nintendo DS or Sony PSP in South Carolina, so I have something to do in between watching the animals. Yes indeed, there is nothing that could upset this trip.

Wait, wasn't there something I was supposed to do?

Something about the driver?

Hey, there's a train!

Hold on. Hold on. I'm remembering something... something the driver said when we first started.

Oh shit. I think we're in trouble."

So ends our look into GR's mind.

At this point, the driver was speeding towards the train and the momentum of the bus was far too great to stop it in time. Both train and bus were screwed, but perhaps there was something GR could do to at least save a few lives. The train looked as if it was a freight train, which was good, as it meant none of the cars had people on them. Perhaps a few hobos, riding the rails, but they knew the risk and could handle themselves.

GR thought quickly. In times of great stress, the body does odd things. It made GR see supernatural beings as pixilated ducks. Before his very eyes, the driver turned into a duck. It looked rather comical, driving a bus and being a pixilated duck, but GR was not amused. He pulled out his gun and shot the driver. He would worry about the consequences of this later, as right now he needed to get himself and Amos to some sort of safety.

Ah, the bathroom! It was small, and he and Amos could steady themselves for the crash in there. He quickly woke Amos, and dragged him into the bathroom.

"Brace yourself, Amos! We're going to crash!"

"Nods!"

As they braced themselves, GR mused that he should have paid closer attention to that bus driver. He closed his eyes and waited for the impact.

It came, and GR's head was bashed against the side of the bathroom and he knew nothing but darkness for quite a long time. He did not have a pleasant awakening, as he woke up strapped to a gurney. On the plus side, he was alive. On the minus side, he was strapped to a gurney. Ah, and there were police officers, talking with Amos. He hoped they didn't notice he was...

Ah, one was walking towards him. He was quite screwed.

"Player One?" said the officer, pulling out a clipboard.

"No, my name is Game R. Mann. I'm on official business. It's classified SFB, so I can't tell you about it."

"Don't mess with me. I know you're Player One. You fit the description, we ran your prints through the computer, and your modus operandi matches what we have on file. We see that you've killed again."

"He died in the crash?"

"He died from a bullet through his head, matching the bullets we found in the gun we took off you."

"He was a zombie! So was the other guy! It's my job to kill zombies! It's his job, too!" said Player One, alias GR, motioning with his chin towards Amos, "His real name is Donovan MacCaulkovich, but we call him Shrugs! It's because only speaks in what he thinks is onomatopoeia!"

"Shakes! Shakes!" shouted Shrugs, alias Amos.

The officer stared at him and said, "So what you're telling me is that you two go around killing people."

"No, we kill zombies and vampires and that which should remain dead!" replied Player One.

"Even if you weren't Player One, I think we'd still have to bring you in for being a psychopath. Your friend is coming, too, though right now we've got nothing on him."

"Don't I get a phone call?"

"Yeah, once we get to the station. You get one."

As they wheeled Player One's gurney into the back of the ambulance, he wondered two things. How were they going to clean up the immense destruction caused by the bus knocking the train off the track, and who should he call?

He could call him, and see if anyone was there to help. He could also call TYRIS, as they, in a roundabout way, had caused all this. There was also one other person he could call, but it was a last resort, and he really didn't want to call them. He had plenty of time to think about it, though.

---

Who should GR... er, Player One call?
-Home
-TYRIS
-The last resort

027: Talking to E

Yes: 7 votes
No: 2 votes

---

GR was very bored. He turned to Amos and said, "I'm going to talk to that woman, I am."

"Shrugs," replied Amos, who reclined in his seat and went to sleep.

GR made his way up the bus to the woman, and sat down next to her.

"How about this trip, eh?" he said, "This has got to be the longest bus ride I've ever been on, and I didn't bring anything to do. I'm bored as all get out."

The woman turned to him, "We just left."

"I know, but really, I'm so bored. So, what's your name?"

The woman paused and turned to the window. She sighed and said, "E. You may call me E. I know who you are, young man. I know full well who you are."

GR froze. "What do you mean?"

"I know who you are. I know what you do. I know what you've done. I know why you're on this bus. I know everything about you and your friend."

GR's mind had begun to race. He was beginning to regret talking to E. He would try to bluff his way out of this: "What do you mean? We're just two guys, on our way to South Carolina for a business trip. On business. We're going there on business."

E turned to him and smiled, "Don't worry. I'm here to help you."

GR arched his eyebrow and asked, "Are you one of us, then? A member of the Paci Custodis?"

She shook her head, "I'm something different."

"Civilians and super-heroes aren't really allowed to get caught up in this."

"I'm above those as well."

"What are you, then?"

"I have no reason to tell you that."

"You have no reason not to tell me that."

E laughed. "You'll find out in time. I know this for a fact, because whichever path you take, my true self will be revealed to you. As much as I don't like it, I need you and your friend right now."

GR thought about this for a moment. "Us in particular or just two guys who shoot things?"

"Any number of guys who shoot things," said E with a smile, "I can make do with you and him, though."

GR nodded and began to look out the window. After a few minutes he sighed, and looked at E again. "Why are you wearing a hood?"

"Would you like to see?"

"Hey, I don't want any funny business. I've got me a lady, somewhere out there."

"It's nothing like that."

"Okay then. Let's see."

E pulled back her hood, revealing her hair.

At first, GR was confused as to why this was a big deal. Then he noticed that the hair kept changing its color. E pulled the hood back over it.

"You're not a supernatural, are you?" said GR.

"Nothing like that. If I were you, I would keep a close eye on the driver. I think there's something off about him."

GR nodded and went back to his seat. Amos was still asleep, which allowed GR to put his mind to the question at hand. Should he ignore E's warning and the bus driver as well? Perhaps he should try to be subtle about it, and watch the driver from here. Then again, perhaps he should make sure the bus driver knows that he's being watched. He was sure he had plenty of time to think about this.

---

What should GR do?

-Ignore the bus driver
-Watch the bus driver from afar
-Watch the bus driver more closely

026: Beginning of the Bus Trek

When should Amos use the bathroom?
Now: 5 votes
On the bus: 3 votes

---

Amos stood up and bounced from foot to foot, pointing towards the bathroom.

GR sighed, and said, "Yeah, go ahead and use it now. The bus isn't even here yet."

"Nods!" said Amos, dashing off towards the bathroom.

GR rifled through his bag. He brought several t-shirts and a lot of guns. Not normal guns, however: these were old video game accessories which had been repurposed to shoot actual bullets. Basically, he had taken the plastic casings off the accessories and managed to shove actual gun parts into them. Amazingly, they worked, and gave him the element of surprise. Barring pixilated ducks, no one really expected one of these to do any real damage. Many still had the cords attached to them, which GR would use to garrote people. Well, not people. Zombies and whatnot. It was difficult to garrote things which didn't breathe, but he managed. After all, fighting the supernatural was basically his job. It came with a few perks, but also brought with it a sort of low-level psychosis. In times of extreme stress, GR...

Well, we'll just see what happens to GR when the time comes.

Amos, meanwhile, was having trouble with the bathroom. He also suffered from psychoses brought about by his job, a sort of reality warping work-related stress. As mentioned, it made him speak only in what he thought was onomatopoeia but was actually a mixture of onomatopoeia and saying the names of basic actions. He also found himself unable to use anything invented after the Civil War, which meant he could not drive a car. He could ride in one, yes, but he had to shut his eyes and hum tunelessly while doing so. He was dreading the bus ride to South Carolina. The bus station's bathroom was actually quite clean and nice, but Amos's affliction ignored this, and focused on the fact that it was rich with plumbing. Yet, he had to use the bathroom and they were in the middle of a city. The bus might have been easier, with its bathroom being basically a mobile outhouse. Amos sighed, and began to focus his willpower to overcome his affliction, at least for a little while. After several minutes, he was able to focus on the unbelievable cleanliness of the bathroom, which came as quite a relief.

At this point, GR was going through Amos's things. He had no real reason to do so, other than that he was bored and forgot to bring any sort of portable gaming device. There were several Civil War-era uniforms there, all for the Confederate side. GR knew that this was not because Amos was a die-hard Confederate, if such things even still existed, but rather because he used to enjoy participating in Civil War re-enactments. When Amos's afflictions first began, he was wearing the Confederate uniform, so it was only by purest chance that Amos didn't dress as a Union soldier. Amos had also packed several Civil War-era weapons, all of which were in perfect working order. He took care of his things, did Amos.

"Cough." said a voice from behind GR, who was fooling around with one of Amos's crossbows.

"That's onomatopoeia," said GR, turning around, "Good job, Amos."

"Cough cough," said Amos, pointing from the crossbow to a concerned-looking police officer.

The blood drained from GR's face. He was, after all, a fugitive and he was about to travel south, and both he and his companion were heavily armed. He tried to smile at the officer, who just stared.

"The 5:15 to South Carolina is leaving in ten minutes," said a pleasant female voice over the loud-speaker, "Please make your way there."

Something about the voice struck GR as wrong. Not unpleasant, mind you, but wrong. He and his compatriots had taken the bus several times, and it was always a gruff masculine voice. Not only that, but this new voice really had no idea how to do its job. GR noticed that he was still holding the crossbow, and that the police officer was walking slowly towards them. GR put the crossbow back into Amos's bag, and then handed it to Amos. He picked up his own bag, saluted the police officer, and he and Amos walked quickly towards the bus. The police officer was about to say something when the loud-speaker came on again.

"Would all available security please report to the central bus terminal? Thank you. Repeat, all available security is to report to the central bus terminal."

The officer looked at GR, shook his head, and hurried towards where he assumed the central bus terminal was. GR and Amos looked at each other, shrugged, and walked onto the bus. They sat near the back, but soon found that the bus had only one other passenger. GR could tell it was a woman, but she was wearing an odd hooded cloak. He assumed that he and Amos weren't the only ones to receive the call from TYRIS. He stared, unashamed, at the back of the woman's head while Amos began whittling again. Soon, a shifty-looking man in a bus driver's uniform entered the bus and sat down in the driver's seat.

"Attention all passengers. Thank you for choosing the bus instead of a car, or a plane, or even the freaking train. Oh god, I hate the train. It's on a track. A track. What sort of sense does that make? Then you have to plan all your travel things around where the tracks go and it's all just too much trouble. Freaking trains. I swear, if I see a train coming, I am going to build up speed and ram that mother-" there was a high-pitch screech "-train right off the damn track. In any case, our trip is going to take a while, about three or four days which includes stops. All three of you have room to make yourselves comfortable. Enjoy the ride."

GR was still staring at the back of the woman's head. He wondered if he should talk to her or not, and continued staring as the bus lurched forward and began the long trek to South Carolina.

---

Should GR talk to the woman?
-Yes
-No

025: Undercover Amish Agents

Who should they call?

CHOICE A: Known Paci Custodis: 7 votes
CHOICE B: Young Paci Custodis with everything to prove: 1 vote
CHOICE C: Some crazy guy: 1 vote

---

In a large metropolitan city which will go nameless, two men sat on a couch watching television. One was thin and pale, and wore a black trench-coat and predominately black clothes, including a glove on his right hand and a pair of absurd goggles. He was young. A man in a confederate soldier's uniform sat next to him, with a day's growth of beard. This man was a bit older.

"You know, I've been thinking about 'Wife Swap'," said the young man.

The man next to him shrugged, and said, "Shrugs."

"Do the husbands who get their wives swapped get to have sex with the wife they swapped for?"

"Shrugs."

"I mean, the wives do just about everything else, right? It's not too far fetched an idea, eh?"

"Shrugs."

"Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't want to sleep with half these women, either."

They sat in silence for a few moments. The phone rang, and the young man stared at it. He looked at his companion.

"I think I should just let the machine get it. Probably not for either of us, anyway."

"Nods."

The machine picked up the call. The outgoing message was mainly unintelligible, but that was all right, because you only called if you knew who you were calling and they wanted you to be able to call them. The incoming message began: "Hello, this is Robin Banks. I work for TYRIS, and a cult of vampires gathered up around this fellow named the False Prophet has taken out two of our agents. One was there for a meeting with his spokeswoman vampire person. The other was actually there to avenge the death of the first agent and for personal reasons. In any case, I think this upsets the agreement you people have with the vampires. Don't bother calling me back or anything, as it's not an emergency or anything. Just thought you'd like to know."

The phone clicked off. The young man and his companion looked at each other.

"Think the others will want to look into that?"

"Shakes."

"I'll go look up stuff on the False Prophet. You stay here and... watch television. I thought you couldn't do that?"

The other man looked at the young man, and pointed to his eyes. They were closed.

"Eh... all right."

The young man left the other man to his own devices, which included whittling a block of wood. By the time the young man had come back, the block of wood had been whittled into a slightly smaller, less blocky piece of wood.

"Well, the False Prophet is pretty bad news, but he's supposedly a bit southeast of here."

"Shrugs."

"Where are the others?"

"Shrugs."

"Furthermore, why didn't they take us with them? Not like we're any good sitting at home watching television."

"Nods."

"Yeah. If one of them were here, we could just go with them and take out this Prophet guy, take a nice little break in South Carolina when we're done. Oh, or we could go to Georgia and see Williams Street."

"Shrugs."

"Is Georgia even close to South Carolina?"

"Shrugs."

"You should know, Mister Confederate Soldier Man. Whatever."

"Points. Shrugs."

"You know I can't drive because I don't have my license, and I'm technically a fugitive. Why can't you drive? Oh wait, I know. It's because you won't use anything that was invented after the Civil War, you Amish piece of trash."

"Shake fist!"

"You know that's not onomatopoeia, right? That's just saying actions."

"Nods," said the man, and then, very deliberately, "Shrugs."

"Well, maybe you should care about the difference!"

The young man crossed his arms in a huff, and the other man continued whittling with a smirk on his face. Half an hour later, the young man spoke.

"We could get in contact with that one guy. The one who works for-"

"Nods!"

"Yeah! He could probably get us a driver and everything!"

"Nods!"

The young man picked up the phone, and quickly dialed a number, and a put-upon voice answered, "Hello, Bra-"

"Hey! It's me! The one who lives with-"

There was a deep sigh, and then, "Yes, I know who you are. What do you want?"

"I want to go to South Carolina, but I can't drive or anything. You can help though, right?"

"Why should we help you get to South Carolina?"

"Adventure! Basic goodness! All sorts of reasons! Oh, and my roommate can probably hook you up with a better job."

"Really? You think he'd do that?"

"Maybe! It couldn't hurt to help us out!"

"Okay, I'll send a car. Just talk to him, okay?"

"Will do!" said the young man, slamming the phone down, and flashing his friend a victory sign.

The pair ran off to pack, and then sat around for an hour waiting for the car to arrive. It was a Pinto, and as it honked its horn, a hubcap fell off. A weary-looking man was in the driver's seat.

"Sorry I'm late, fellas. My boss wouldn't let me just send a car, and told me to go myself. Then he made wait until my lunch break. So I can just about get you guys to the bus station, and give you some bus fare. How does that sound?"

The young man was torn. While he could have walked to the bus station himself, he didn't like being outside for too long or paying for his own bus fare. So, all in all, it was a good deal, and his companion agreed. They threw theirs bags in the trunk of the car, and hopped into it.

"We should have codenames," said the young man.

"Nods."

"I'll be... Game R. Mann and you can be my uncle Amos. You can be an undercover Amish secret agent or something, but we won't tell people that part, because it's a secret. I can be your plucky young partner who is not Amish, and so we clash and generally have a good time. It'll be great."

"You're insane," said their driver, "That name is stupid."

"Amos is a good name!"

"No, your name."

"I'll go by GR."

"That's only moderately better. Why are you coming up with all this nonsense anyway?"

"I like fun."

"Whatever. Here we are, and here's your bus fare. Hope you have a safe trip, kind of."

The newly-christened GR and Amos stepped out of the Pinto and took their bags. GR bought two tickets to South Carolina, and then the pair waited. Amos tugged on GR's sleeve.

"What?"

Amos looked at him with a panicked expression.

"You should go to the bathroom now. Then again, the one on the bus might be cleaner. I don't know, Amos! And we've only moments to decide!"

---

When should Amos use the bathroom?

Now
On the bus