043: Land Captain's Lament

Should Charleston go celebrate?
Yes: 6 votes
No: 2 votes

---

Charleston decided to go to the celebration, if only to get some free food. Living on the streets, even for such a short time, had shown him the importance of never passing up a free meal. Jimmy Swift instructed Charleston to follow him, though Jimmy immediately got into a car and left him standing in front of the courthouse. He stood there, watching the car drive away, when another car pulled up. The window rolled down, and Land Captain told Charleston to get in.

After a few moments, it became clear that Land Captain was doing the speed limit. This baffled Charleston.

"Since I joined the Astounding Superhero Syndicate, I've had to limit the use of Ishmael's speed to times of emergency. They're also working on getting me situated in my secret identity."

"You have a secret identity?" asked Charleston.

"You don't think I was born with a captain's hat and a love of justice, do you?"

"What is it?"

"I trust you, Charleston, so I'll tell you."

Land Captain did so, and Charleston nodded. It was a normal sounding name, but had a certain rightness to it. After a few moments of somewhat awkward silence, Charleston decided to ask a big question.

"Land Captain, do you remember when that picture of us was taken? The one Swift showed you."

"I assumed someone was trying to pull a fast one. Is it real?"

"No, of course not."

The pair drove on, gradually closing in on Swift's car. Ishmael was deftly dodging obstacles, and another thought struck Charleston.

"Does Ishmael remember that picture?" he said.

"Well, it's a fake, isn't it?" replied Land Captain.

"Well, yes, but if we can find out more about the picture, perhaps we can track down who took it?"

"Ah, we can't do that. Ishmael and I thought that telling the Superhero Syndicate that he's a sentient car was a bad idea."

More silence. Charleston leaned over and whispered "we need to talk" into Ishmael's air vent. As the low-speed chase continued, something became increasingly apparent. Either Jimmy Swift was half-heartedly trying to lose them, or he had no idea where he was going. Lacking any way of communicating with him, Land Captain and Charleston chose to simply continue following him. In fact, they followed him right to the airport where he and five other people exited the car. It had obviously been cramped, and judging from the droopiness of one passenger, not a very pleasant ride. Charleston turned to Land Captain.

"Pull in front of them dramatically," said Charleston.

Land Captain nodded, and did so, swerving to a stop in front of the sextet. Land Captain then emerged from his car with a stylized step while Charleston merely opened the door.

Player One, the droopy passenger, looked at Land Captain with a bemused expression. "You totally stole that from Speed Racer."

"It's homage," said Land Captain, leaning against Ishmael.

Player One shrugged as Jimmy Swift, Clarence Claybourne, Father Graves, Anderson Smith, and Morrey Roberts stopped around him. Morrey, suffering from motion blindness, ran into Clarence who took no notice.

"I thought we were supposed to be doing some sort of celebration, Mister Swift," said Charleston, walking around Ishmael.

"You did?" said Jimmy, adjusting his tie, "You did. Well, yeah, we're going to celebrate here. At the airport. On a plane. With hookers and blow?" Jimmy turned to Anderson hopefully, who grimly shook his head. "Okay, no hookers and no blow. Plenty of booze, though. You like booze, don't you?"

"Not really," said Charleston.

"I don't either," said Land Captain.

Swift turned to him belligerently and looked him up and down, "You're the guy. The lying superhero guy. No one invited you, sailor boy, so why don't you pack up your tights and drive off into the ocean or whatever it is you do?"

"Yeah. Go sodomize some other sailors, you salty seaman," said Father Graves.

Land Captain looked at him, mouth agape. Charleston was about to say something comforting, but Land Captain raised a single hand. He looked at Charleston, eyes brimming with tears, "It's all right, Charleston. I know when I'm not wanted. I'll find some way to get a hold of you once you get settled in. It shouldn't be too hard. It's time I should be shoving off, anyway. Liana is probably worried about me, and I have some superhero duties to perform up north."

"Give my regards to Liana," said Charleston as Land Captain closed Ishmael's door.

"Give mine to Edolie," said Land Captain, as he drove off.

This remark confused Charleston, but there were more important things at hand. He remembered why he had been arrested in the first place: he was looking for Anderson Smith who was now right here in front of him.

Or, at least, he had been. Anderson and his group were boarding a private jet. Charleston ran after them, but as he did so, his bionic leg began to malfunction. He had to get on that plane in order to talk to Anderson Smith, which would somehow ease all his troubles. He would also punch Jimmy Swift in the face as soon as he could manage.

He had seconds to decide a course of action: he could continue running, hopefully catching the plane before it left and his leg gave out entirely. He could try to shout to them over the din of the airport, hoping that they would wait for him to board. The third option was an elaborate plan that suddenly spawned into Charleston's head, which was to somehow delay all flights at once, allowing him to easily catch the flight.

What to do, what to do...

---

Which should Charleston choose?
-CHOICE A: Continue running towards the plane
-CHOICE B: Try to get them to wait for him
-CHOICE C: An elaborate third option which would somehow stop all planes from taking off, allowing him to easily get on the plane.

042: The People of the United States V. Charleston Charge

Breaking the fourth wall: I tried to do something different with today's segment. I think it turned out all right.

How should Charleston plead?
Guilty: o votes
Not guilty: 3 votes
Insanity: 0 votes

---

IN THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES

THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES,
Petitioner
v.
CHARLESTON CHARGE

Washington, DC
(Date removed)

The above-entitled matter came on for oral argument before the Supreme Court of the United States at 11:14 a.m.

APPEARANCES:
DHARMA H. LAWSON, ESQ., Washington, DC; on behalf of the Petitioner.
JAMES SWIFT III, ESQ., Detroit, MI; on behalf of the Respondent.

PROCEEDINGS
(11:14 a.m.)

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: We'll hear... who are you? You, the second stenographer.

PLAYER ONE: I'm typing this for the Internet!

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: I'm afraid that's not allowed, son. Bailiff, take away his computer.

(I am going to use sneakily Anderson's phone to text the trial to myself, and I will transcribe it later. I apologize if it's not courty enough for you, but I suck at texting.)

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Ms. Lawson.

MS. LAWSON: Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court: Charleston Charge is--

CHARLESTON: Don't I have to say what I plead?

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Order! Order! This whole case is highly irregular, and so you will have to bear with us as I attempt to make sure this farce of a trial continues apace. The only things Mister Charge are actually charged with are illegally emigrating from the lost city of Uhld and gross vagrancy. Mister Charge, how do you plead?

CHARLESTON: Not guilty. I may have been a vagrant, but I was a clean vagrant.

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Fair enough. Miss Lawson, the floor is yours.

MS. LAWSON: All of my arguments are for the other things Mister Charge was charged with. If it pleases the court, I shall continue acting as if he was still charged with these things.

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Highly irregular, but I'll grant it.

MS. LAWSON: Thank you. First and foremost, how do you explain the fact that you are in these photos?

CHARLESTON: I have no idea why I am in those photos, and if I'm not charged with this--

MS. LAWSON: Just answer the question, Mister Charge.

CHARLESTON: I don't know. Wasn't I supposed to take an oath?

MS. LAWSON: I'll ask the questions here. The photos, Mister Charge. Explain them.

CHARLESTON: I told you, I don't know anything about the photos. It's obvious they were faked, since look, that guy? The one who's been torn in half? He's standing right there. Oh my god, that one is my lawyer. I knew I had seen him before.

MR. SWIFT: I object!

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: What do you object to?

MR. SWIFT: The other lawyer is woman! Lawyering is a man's job! Her job is to get under this desk and--

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Mister Swift, I will not have such sexist behavior in my courtroom.

MR. SWIFT: How about this sexist behavior?

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Mister Swift, please step off of your desk and pull your pants back up. No one wants to see that, and was this not already a farce of a trial, I would have you escorted from the courtroom. Miss Lawson?

MS. LAWSON: Thank you, your honor. I call Joseph "Scoop" Griswald to the stand. Mister Griswald, how do you explain these pictures?

MR. GRISWALD: The darnedest thing. One minute, I was on my way to South Carolina, following my pal the Moonman Marauder, and the next I was back in Detroit with a camera full of pictures. No one else seems to know anything about where I took the pictures or anything.

MR. SWIFT: I object!

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Mister Swift, please. There is nothing in Mister Griswald's statement to object to.

MR. SWIFT: He's lying.

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: How is he lying?

MR. SWIFT: I think it's staged. Rehearsed. Besides, I want to call my witness.

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Go ahead.

MR. SWIFT: I call Land Captain to the stand! That's right, everyone gasp! All right, you Communist bastard, what do you know about these photos?

LAND CAPTAIN: I'm not a Communist, sir. I know nothing about the photos.

MR. SWIFT: I know you're lying. A man might hang if you don't tell the truth.

LAND CAPTAIN: I'm not lying.

MR. SWIFT: So you're putting Charleston Charge up a creek without a paddle. That's all, your honor.

F'HAAT TOHTOA: Hold everything! I have come with damning evidence!

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: I was expecting this. Hello, Mister Tohtoa. What do you have?

MISTER TOHTOA: I have here a signed certificate of naturalized citizenship belonging to one Charleston Charge, and signed testimonials from several people detailing that he was a model homeless citizen.

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: I'll allow it. Jury, go make your deliberations.

JURY FOREMAN: We're pretty sure he's not guilty, your honor.

CHIEF JUSTICE JOKAVICH: Wonderful. This court rules in favor of Charleston Charge.

--

Swift came up to Charleston after the trial amid the media circus that had surrounded the newly-innocent man. It was a very unorthodox trial, and had succeeded in making Charleston an instant media darling. Swift invited Charleston out for a celebration. Charleston pondered this for a moment, and wondered if he should go.

---

Should Charleston go celebrate?
-Yes
-No

041: Not Without My Lawyer

Which lawyer should Charleston choose?
Gil Ardo: 0 votes
F'haat Tohtoa: 0 votes
Jimmy Swift the Third: 4 votes

---

Charleston sat in a nondescript little room, unfurnished save for a table, chair, and desk lamp. There was a large window on the west wall, which he assumed people were watching him through as he doubted anyone would let an exterior window get that dirty. There was also the obligatory door, which was not so much a furnishing but a door. He had been given three files to look at, to further help him choose a lawyer. A federal agent had assured him that it was basically a formality, and there was already a labor camp in a third world nation awaiting him.

"What are the charges against me, again?" said Charleston, looking at the lawyer files.

"Are you sure you want to discuss this without your lawyer present?" said a man in a severe suit and sunglasses. A wire ran from a device in his ear into his suit coat.

"I don't really care. You've already assured me that it's futile."

The man slammed his hands on the table, and pointed at Charleston, "Let me make this clear. We want to do this as by-the-book as possible, Mister Charge, and so you have to choose a lawyer before we tell you anything."

"Fine. I choose this one. The one from Earth," said Charleston, holding up the file on James Swift the Third.

The agent took the file and held it up to the window. A few moments later, a thin, arrogant looking man was shoved into the room. He had an ill-fitting gray suit on, and was carrying a briefcase. Charleston could have sworn he had seen him before.

"Did you have all three of them just waiting outside?" asked Charleston.

The agent laughed malevolently, "Are you dense? Why would we do that?"

"Yeah, I suppose-"

"We already had Ardo and Swifty here to try them for incompetence. You made the wrong choice, boyo. Now, you want the evidence we have against you? Exhibit A, you worked for TYRIS and were an instrumental part of its operations, it would seem. You had six times as many missions as any other insurance agent."

"I liked my work."

"Nice try. No one likes their job. Exhibit B," said the agent, pulling a tabloid out of his coat, "Go ahead. Take a gander."

Charleston stared at the front of the tabloid, which bore the headline: "SUPER BATTLE IN SOUTH CAROLINA"

The story, with photographic accompaniment, detailed the battle in horrific detail. There were pictures of everything: the dead, the return of the Paragon Platform (which was actually in every newspaper), the army of villains, and one of Charleston himself sitting with Land Captain with a less-than-flattering caption below it.

How could this be? The whole event was wiped from everyone's memories, and he was darn sure no one took any pictures or anything. Except for Photogra-She, though Charleston recalled that her photos had been primarily of the amazing Serial Hang-Man. He was only in one of the tabloid photos. Ah, but that was the thing. Photos had to be credited to someone, and Charleston looked at the name.

Scoop Griswald?

"Who the hell is Scoop Griswald?" said Charleston.

"Oh god," said Swift, "Don't get me started on that bastard. He's some guy who works for a newspaper up in Detroit. Not a real one, a college one. He claims that real newspapers dilute the news, or something. Now, Mister whatever your name is, I think you should plead guilty. I mean, they have a picture of you at whatever this thing was."

"What would I be guilty of?" said Charleston.

"Counts of insurance fraud, conspiracy, vagrancy, indecent composure, and who knows what else. I don't really care. They tell me you're guilty as hell, so it's really up to how much time you want to spend in jail."

Charleston was continuing to regret his choice of lawyer. "Can't I plead insanity? Or, I don't know, NOT GUILTY?"

Swift laughed, "Yeah, if you actually want to try. I've seen the evidence. It's airtight. You're screwed."

Charleston sighed, "They have a picture of me, and I bet you that Land Captain won't even remember it being taken."

Swift stared at him, and began mouthing random words at him, and eventually smiled a devilish smile. Charleston looked at him quizzically. Swift sighed heavily, "You may have just bought yourself something. Land Captain... that's a superhero, right? I read about him in the paper. Yeah, if you can get a superhero to lie about you, then you might actually have a case! So I guess it's up to you what you plead."

"Shouldn't you give me advice? And shouldn't that agent have left at the beginning of this conversation?"

The federal agent was standing in the corner with his arms crossed. He slowly shook his head, and made obscure hand gestures. Swift returned them, and the pair seemed to reach some sort of agreement. What it was would forever remain a mystery to Charleston.

"Nope. So I guess it's guilty, not guilty, or insanity. I guess the trial is in half an hour, so you better choose pretty quick. I’d still suggest guilty, so we can get the whole thing over with."

Charleston sighed, and began to think.

---

How should Charleston plead?
-Guilty
-Not guilty
-Insane

040: Objective Detroit

Whom should Charleston seek aid from?
Mark King: 1 vote
Anderson Smith: 3 votes
Mister Lucky: 2 votes

---

Charleston stood outside the library, staring at a stone lion. Mister Lucky obviously found you if he needed you, and it might be hard to get a meeting with Mark King. Anderson Smith, on the other hand, was basically a normal guy. A normal guy who seemed to be able to act as the conduit for powerful beings, but a normal guy nonetheless. Therefore, he would be the easiest to find. The only thing was getting to Detroit. A week ago, he could have simply contacted TYRIS and they would have sent Land Captain, but Land Captain was already in Detroit and Charleston had no idea how he could reach him. Therefore, this would take some ingenuity, which was pretty much the only thing Charleston had left.

Hold on just a second. Anderson Smith was a member of the Paci Custodis. Perhaps Charleston could find some of them in South Carolina, and they could help him go north. It was worth a shot, at least. The only thing was finding some, as they were quite secretive.

Hold on another second. Charleston was unsure of how it happened, but maybe he could become a Paci Custodis and learn all of their secrets and how to contact other members. He was sure they had some sort of hidden network, since so many had been at the battle. The only question was how to become one. He could ask Anderson...

Oh wait. He was engaging in paradoxical thinking again.

Then again, was he even eligible? He was born in a far-off mystical country and was already imbued with super-human powers and a weird sort of mysticism. Perhaps this rendered him ineligible to receive the special powers of a Paci Custodis. He sighed, and walked off to find a homeless shelter for the night. Barring that, he could find a church. They were supposed to give people shelter, right?

Eureka! A church! If there was anywhere that might know about the Paci Custodis, it would be a church! He sprinted off to find out, and eventually happened upon a relatively small Roman Catholic Church. The nightly service was letting out, and he let himself in after the few church-goers left. He made his way to the alter, tipping over candlesticks as he did so. A priest came out when Charleston was looking inside the organ.

The priest coughed loudly, causing Charleston to startle and hit his head. He muffled a curse, and pulled himself out of the organ.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the priest.

"I'm looking for something about the Paci Custodis. They're a group of people who hunt things like vampires and werewolves."

The priest stared at him for a moment and then nodded, backing slowly away. "Ah, yes. One moment, please. I'll go get what you require."

As the priest went into a back room, Charleston sat down on a pew and smiled. This was going great!

A half hour later, the priest had not emerged from the back room but Charleston didn't notice this. He had fallen asleep. He also didn't notice two burly policemen come into the church, and he stirred only slightly when they put him in handcuffs. He finally woke up when they stood him up to walk him out of the church, but was too groggy to do anything. He fell asleep in the squad car, and woke up when they reached the police station. Mild confusion turned to horrified shock as Charleston realized he had been arrested, but what for? He asked.

"Sleeping beauty is finally awake. That's a shame, I bet some of our other pals would love to see if their kiss woke you up," said one of the cops.

"That was in very poor taste," said the other.

"I'm just being funny."

"No, you're being offensive. Now read him his rights."

The first officer did so.

"You can't arrest me for messing around in a church," said Charleston, trying to remain calm, "Can you?"

"This isn't about messing about in a church. The government is pretty darn sure you had something to do with that whole Paragon Platform thing a week or so back. There's a bunch of reports of a bunch of super-villains and super-heroes and God knows who else coming here, and then just vanishing. The government smells a conspiracy."

"Why didn't the FBI or CIA come arrest me, then?"

"We're turning you over to them ASAP, sleeping beauty. We already know you're going on trial. There are only three lawyers in the entire country who would take your case."

"Is it that hopeless?"

"Not only is it that hopeless, but you're a homeless guy. These three are the only ones stupid enough to do a hopeless case pro bono."

"Who are they?"

"Well, the first one is some electric squirrel guy from some planet that exploded. He's named Gil Ardo, and I don't think he ever won a case. The second one is a dog-man named F'haat Tohtoa from some planet that didn't explode. The third one is pretty much human, his name is Jimmy Swift the III. I guess they're all pretty good lawyers, despite everything."

Charleston went into deep thought. Electric squirrel, man-dog, or human? He wished they had told him which one

---

Which lawyer should Charleston choose?
-Gil Ardo
-F'haat Tohtoa
-Jimmy Swift the III

039: Charleston Charge, Hobo at Large

The week after the battle... or, as the world at large knew it, the return of the Paragon People... was not a good week for Charleston Charge. He had woken up the day after the battle to find himself unemployed and under investigation by several government agencies. By noon, he was also homeless, all of his assets seized. Lacking anything else to do, he attempted to travel to the city of his birth, the Lost City of Uhld. This was hard to do when you were under investigation by the government, however, and he eventually decided to go out for some delicious waffles. This is also surprisingly hard to do when you are under investigation, with your assets seized.

By the end of the day, he was unemployed, homeless, hungry, thirsty, and penniless. He found fifty cents to use at a payphone, but was unable to find a payphone, and so he bought a bag of chips which only served to make him thirsty and moderately less hungry. Since he had no means to contact his friends, he could also be considered friendless. In the span of one day, he had become a virtual nobody, forced off the grid.

The rest of the week had been a continuation of this state of events. Eventually, he was able to find a soup kitchen and a trash can with a fire in it. He wondered if he was ahead of the game, as far as being a member of the hobo community was concerned. After finding a clean piece of cardboard and a permanent marker, he was sure of it. After pondering it for a bit, he decided to write down "Will work for food", which was a very clichéd thing to write, certainly, but concise. Towards the end of the day, he made plans to find a park and learn a talent he could put to good use. After all, he had a hat which money could be thrown into.

The next morning, exactly one week after Charleston had become homeless, he found a newspaper on the bus. He had begun using the public transportation system several days earlier, and each day he saw new bits of the city from his mobile headquarters. To his surprise, there was a minor article about the dismantling of TYRIS from which he learned that most of the agents were being absorbed into the new CAST, an endeavor supported by many people whom Charleston recognized from the battle. Several more gifted agents - the reporter's description - had been accepted into the Astounding Superhero Syndicate. Charleston noticed that he was not mentioned at all, and slowly realized that of all the agents of TYRIS, he was the only one who got screwed. Well, he and Robin Banks, but Robin was also being cared for in one of the city's top hospitals for an extreme bipolar disorder. Charleston was out on the streets reading discarded newspapers.

He had been shown an entire world he had not known, and it had been snatched away from him with ease.

He would have cried out angrily against Fate at this point, but did not want to get kicked off the bus. Not until he got to the public library, in order to use its Internet. Once he was at his stop, he departed the bus and screamed at Fate. Then, he went into the library to use its Internet.

The first thing he did was look up the current roster of the Astounding Superhero Syndicate. He had a hunch he knew whom would be added, a hunch which was quickly verified. Land Captain and the Witchyologist were the two newest members, alongside such luminaries as the Forgiver, Serial Hang-Man, and Mark King. He nodded quietly to himself, and continued to surf the web. He looked up Anderson Smith, and found that he worked for the Detroit branch of a major television channel. Coincidentally, the headquarters of the Astounding Superhero Syndicate was also in Detroit.

Mister Lucky was not on the Internet, except in some anecdotes about the Basset Hound Brigade and reported sightings over the years. Obviously, you only found Mister Lucky if he wanted to be found. Charleston had a lot of time and a lot of experience with finding people.

Charleston logged off, and stepped outside. Someone was going to help him get out of this situation, whether they wanted to or not.

---

Whom should Charleston seek aid from?
-Mark King
-Anderson Smith
-Mister Lucky