017: The Frog of Chaos

Hey, it's the author here. Sorry to get all meta on you, but before we begin with today's session, I'd like to know something. How many of you checked the comments for the previous session?

The reason I ask, see, is because I played a bit of a trick on you. Very unethical and a bit unfair, I know, but I was feeling very mischievous last time. What I did was finish off the last session and give the actual choices for this session in the comments section. You can still go back and read it, if you like, and it wasn't a life-altering choice.

Oh, and for what it's worth, Charleston did end up eating the turkey Lunchable, which was the false choice A. Now, on with this week's session!

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Choice A (Find the plopper): 4 votes
Choice B (Investigate the cabin): 3 votes
Choice C (Take a rest): 2 votes

---

There was another plop. Charleston stood up, clapped his hands once, and said, "Let's find that phantom plopper!"

He held out his hand to Edolie, to help her up, and she said, "That is a ridiculous name." She brushed her hair from her face, and Charleston marveled at how it seemed to shift its color depending on how the light hit it. He wondered why he hadn't noticed it before.

He smiled at her, tipped his hat, and replied, "Then let's find it and give it a proper one, eh?" He twirled his cane, surprised at how cheerful he was. After all, he was basically trapped around what appeared to be a man-made lake with something large, separated by things from a disturbing netherworld by nothing more than a music puzzle. On the other hand, he was trapped with an attractive young woman in a skin-tight suit. Granted, with Charleston's track record, she would end up dead or otherwise taken out of the picture by the end of this adventure. He was mildly surprised it hadn't happened already.

"How do you intend to catch the creature?" said Edolie, looking pensive.

Charleston paused. Right now, catching the creature was fairly impossible. They had no equipment, and unless Charleston wanted to wrestle it to the ground and hog-tie it with vines, there was pretty much no way it could stay caught. Then he pulled the spare Lunchable out of his coat and tore it open. He tossed the dessert and drink to Edolie, and started placing a trail of meat, cheese, and crackers. As he placed the crackers carefully on the water, he motioned for Edolie to step back. She had eaten the dessert and drank the drink. They both hid in some convenient bushes, and watched the crackers.

Several yards from the shore, two bulbous eyes broke the surface of the lake, staring in the direction of the scattered Lunchable. They moved quickly towards the crackers, and the giant frog broke erupted from the lake, devouring the crackers. It began to try to eat the salami and American cheese, but was unable to get them off the ground.

Charleston crawled to a slice of salami, and held it up. The giant frog stared at him, and moved toward him carefully. It opened its mouth, and Charleston tossed it the salami. The tongue came out, snatching the salami in mid-air, and the frog looked expectantly at him. It looked like the same frog Charleston had encountered some months ago, but there was a subtle feeling of wrongness about it. In fact, this entire area was wrong. The colors were much too vibrant, the water was much too pure. Now that he looked at it closely, this entire area was too symmetrical. And in the middle of it, a cabin. He felt Edolie's hand on his shoulder, and felt her breath on his ear as she whispered. It made him shudder.

"What do we do now?"

The frog was still staring at him.

What should have been a routine cryptozoological mission had turned into something that had forced Charleston and Land Captain to deal with aliens, mad scientists, unstable terrain, and nether-creatures from a disturbing beyond. And in the middle of it all, an oasis of something which was all too perfect, some sort of high-definition reality. Except there was a slight blurriness to everything as well, everything except Edolie and the frog. Charleston looked at his hand, and it was as clear as Edolie.

"I think I know what's going on," said Charleston, softly, "I think I've figured it out. We need to get to that cabin, though, and our amphibian friend is going to help us."

Edolie nodded. Charleston knelt down as well as he could and picked up some more meat and cheese.

"Try to get on the frog while I feed it," said Charleston, "It's going to take us to that cabin."

Charleston looked at the cabin, and began stepping back. The frog followed him, showing an amazing affinity to processed meat and cheese. It hardly noticed as Edolie climbed onto its back. Once they were back enough, Charleston carefully turned the frog around. He hurled the cheese and meat into the air, and crawled on top of the frog while it snatched each piece from the air. He carefully wrapped his arms around Edolie, taking care to be gentlemanly about it. He noticed she was blushing.

"Hold on tight, Miss DePrit," said Charleston, "We're going to go on a wild ride."

He removed one of his arms, and raised his cane. He brought it down hard on the frog's backside, and quickly held onto Edolie again. The frog croaked, reared, and leapt through the air, landing in the water several yards from the island the cabin was on. It was at this point that Charleston discovered that his bionic leg had not been modified for aquatics. He began to sink, and while he was sinking, he noticed that the island was anchored by several cables. He hardly had time to think about this when Edolie grabbed his jacket and pulled him to the island's shore, such as it was. He gasped for breath.

"Do you need the kiss of life?" said Edolie, kneeling in front of him. She looked quite concerned.

Charleston spat out water, and held up his hand. Once he had enough air in his system again, he smiled and said, "I'm fine. I'm fine." In the back of his mind, he reminded himself about his girlfriend, the one who had been seduced by a vampire cult.

It was a small island, really, about the size and shape of a moderately sized above-ground pool. The cabin was also quite small, perhaps as big as a four vending machines. Charleston used his cane to help himself up, and he walked over to a tree. Or, what looked like a tree. The bark was too smooth, and the leaves were actually a jumbled mass of green. He pulled out his tape recorder, and began documenting all he knew about this island.

Edolie poked at the other tree, which was exactly like the one Charleston was by, and said, "Why is it humming?"

Charleston paused, and listened. The island was, indeed, humming. Facts were congregating in Charleston's head, and all he had to do was sort them out. He walked over to the fake cabin, and saw that it was not a cabin at all. It was simply some sort of box painted to look like a cabin from far away. It, too, was humming.

"I think I know what's going on here," said Charleston.

"What is it?" said Edolie.

Charleston took a deep breath, and smiled. He liked doing this.

"I don't think this lake is man-made. I think those Alogrins made it."

Edolie gasped, "Why?"

"Well, Land Captain said that they had found a way to hang out in-between dimensions. Something like that would require either a massive power source, or some sort of thing causing the fabric of time and space to weaken. I think this island is that thing."

"Why the lake?"

"Well, remember what I said about water not being affected by things like unstable terrain? They made the lake to be a sort of buffer, as they didn't want to totally obliterate the planet just yet. This island is just floating, tethered to the bottom by cables. I don't think they wanted to create all this unstable terrain, however. I think a common frog made it to this island and was somehow transformed into a giant frog, some sort of frog of chaos. Wherever it went, it caused some form of chaos. Since it lives here, the chaos field emanated from it, creating the unstable terrain."

Edolie thought about this for a minute. "Shouldn't we be affected by it as well?"

Charleston chuckled, and said, "We already are being affected by it. Your hair was red before, wasn't it?"

She nodded.

"It changes with the light, now. It looks quite nice, I'm just worried about the effects it'll have on reality."

"What about you?"

Charleston shrugged, "It's affecting my mind. I'm becoming more and more obscenely cheerful as time goes on. I know how to fix things, though. Or at least, stop them from getting much worse."

"How?"

"I need you to get back to shore. I'm going to implode this thing," he said with a laugh.

"How are you going to do this?"

"I'll just shock it with my cane," said Charleston, "These things are pretty delicate."

"How will you get back to shore?" she said, staring at him. She paused for a moment, and added, "Will you be able to get back?"

He smiled, and then he was chuckling, with tears in his eyes. He was looking at her, and then he doubled over, laughing more and more. He dropped his cane, and said, "There's really no choice here. I have to do this, otherwise the unreality is going to spread farther and farther. Those tunnel things, they'll take over the world." He laughed more and more.

"Go and win back the woman you love, Charleston Charge. I will come back to help you with your task. This I swear," said Edolie as she knelt down to pick up the cane, and then she brought it down heavily on Charleston's head. "You are wrong, Charleston. There is a choice, and it is mine," she said, as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Edolie had been trained by the French secret service, yes, but she originally been a champion tri-athlete. She pulled Charleston into the water and swam across the lake to the other store. She breathed heavily for a minute, grabbed Charleston's cane, and swam back across. She looked at the cane for a moment, and pointed it at the pseudo-cabin.

Charleston woke up at this point, and was just in time to see the blinding flash of the cabin imploding upon itself. He shielded his eyes from the blast, and then braced himself as reality righted itself with a wave of force. The tunnels and their things were gone, as were the musical trees. The unstable terrain stabilized, everything became a bit more real, and the gap between universes closed in upon itself.

"Edolie?" whispered Charleston, with tears in his eyes once again, and then he passed out once again, wondering if there was some way she could have survived. He could not think of one.

Charleston woke up in the back of Ishmael, Land Captain's car. It was remarkably comfortable. What was more, someone had changed his clothes and mended his wounds. He no longer felt obscenely cheerful, but rather quite melancholic. The feeling worsened as he recalled what had happened to Edolie.

Land Captain seemed to materialize out of nowhere, and handed Charleston a mug of hot cocoa.

"Liana is using her fish to try and find Miss DePrit," said Land Captain, "Want to tell me what happened?"

"We had to save the world, and she decided to kill herself to do it," said Charleston, sipping the cocoa, "I was going to do that."

"Are you jealous?"

"No. I just can't imagine why anyone would give their life for mine. This is about the fourth or fifth partner I've lost, Land Captain."

"I know how it is. Way back when, I was flying around in space. I had a space car, and right by my side was a woman named Maria. She was everything I had ever hoped for in a woman, in a partner. Then, one day, we had to make a difficult choice. I was all set to give my life for the universe, but really, I just wanted to save Maria. She had the same idea, though, only she wanted to save me. So I know how it is."

Charleston and Land Captain stared at the horizon for a minute, with the silence being broken only by Charleston sipping his cocoa.

Charleston broke the silence: "A space car? Seriously?"

"That's right," said Land Captain, "Just wanted to let you know you have a sympathetic ear."

"I appreciate it. You have one too, if you ever need it."

Land Captain smiled, and gave Charleston a salute. Charleston returned it, and gave him a weak smile. At that point, he dropped his cocoa on the ground. The reason for this was clear: a giant frog had just come tearing through the trees and landed in front of him. It stared at him, and when no lunchmeat was forthcoming, it croaked, and leapt back through the trees.

"Looks like you've made a friend," said Land Captain, standing up. The frog had knocked him down.

Charleston nodded, "That frog shouldn't exist anymore. It should have gone back to being a regular frog."

Land Captain shrugged, and then waved at the returning Liana. The flock of freak-fish followed her.

"Any luck?" said Land Captain.

"No," said Liana, "There wasn't a trace of her."

Charleston was still staring at the gap the frog had made in the trees. Edolie had promised she would help him, after all. He only wondered how she would manage it. Besides, there was no body.

"What next, Charleston?"

"The woman I love is out there somewhere," said Charleston, "And the only way I'm going to find her is by kicking some vampire butt. There's no doubt about that, the only question is, what route should I take?"

Land Captain smiled, and said, "That's the spirit!"

Charleston smiled back, "I can either go to where I last saw her silly little cult, hook up with a group of hunters and kick vampire backside until we find who I'm looking for, or I can solo it and hope for the best. What do you think I should do, Land Captain?"

"I'd join a group, but it's really up to you, isn't it?"

Charleston nodded. It was always up to him.

WHICH SHOULD CHARLESTON CHOOSE?
CHOICE A (Investigate the last place he saw the vampire cult)
CHOICE B (Hook up with a group of hunters)
CHOICE C (Solo it and hope for the best)

016: A Difficult Choice

Fight the slaves: 6 votes
Find the sequence: 5 votes

---

Charleston knew what he had to do. Edolie might be quite a competent fighter, but Charleston had the edge of a body honed by years of training in the lost city of Uhld. Not only that, but Edolie could move faster than he could at the moment. In time, the handicap of a new bionic leg would become the advantage of a bionic leg he was used to. He had no idea what the leg could do, but that would come in time. Right now, he had some things to fight. He kicked himself off the nearest tree into the first thing, and he fell with it into the tunnel. In the distance, he heard Edolie cry out something, but his mind was on the battle. While he beat the thing into submission, heard the now familiar tones of the musical trees, and smiled. The Earth was not very happy about things like unstable terrain, and would put up as much of a fight as it could. The musical trees were the evidence of such a struggle, the Earth's last ditch effort to allow its defenders to stabilize things. Charleston stood up, the thing-slave at his feet. It had died the moment the tunnel things had touched it, and so he felt no remorse that it had entered its final slumber.

Then Charleston realized that he was now in the tunnel, but close enough that he could still see Edolie running through the clearing and hitting trees. He could still hear the tones, but they were faint. So now he had two missions: he had to get back to the clearing while fending off the thing-slaves. However, then he looked around, and realized that he not only had to battle the thing-slaves, but the tunnel things themselves.

He held up his cane like a sword, scowled at the nearest antagonist, and brought the cane down hard. It cracked the thing's skull, or what Charleston assumed was its skull, and it howled. He pointed it at the monkey-like tunnel thing he had seen before, still playing with its rocks but now with an unmistakable malevolence, and pressed a button. They weren't labeled, and were indistinguishable from each other, so it was a gamble. Gas shot out, and the monkey-thing screamed. He turned and brought the cane heavily into another thing-slave, then jabbed it into another thing. He pressed another button, and felt what could only be described as a poit. Charleston had been hoping for the electric shock, and made a mental note to label the buttons somehow. Since the dart did absolutely nothing, he pressed the other button and an electrical shock ran through the thing. Charleston nodded as the thing writhed and fell to the ground. This was incredibly easy, and this fact made Charleston uneasy. He looked up, and saw several thing-slaves heading out of the tunnel. He swung the cane heavily around himself while spraying gas, idly wondering how much gas was in the cane, and ran through the cleared path. He pressed the dart button three times while swinging the cane in a small arc, hitting three thing-slaves. It only annoyed them, and they turned to Charleston. He punched one in the fact with his silver-gloved hand, took a small amount of joy in the act of punching someone in the face, and used his cane to launch himself into the air and he kicked the other two in their faces, and then trod heavily over their bodies. He was in the clear, and just in time: he heard the sound of wood scraping against wood. Edolie had found the sequence. He felt her hand grab his arm, and the pair ran through the newly opened doorway. It was not a tunnel, but a gateway into a stable area.

There was a plop, and the door scraped close.

The area they found themselves in was heavily wooded, with a large body of water in the middle. Charleston noticed that it was edged with cement: a man-made lake. In the middle of the lake was a small cabin with a tree on either side of it. The poor devil who had lived there was probably dead by now, consumed by the things.

"What do we do now, Charleston?" said Edolie, her face flush from trying to find the sequence.

Charleston was not remotely winded, and he took a small amount of pride in this fact, "Well, something is plopping around here. We could either look for it, or try to get to that cabin. We could also maybe take a nap. Hey, I think I have some Lunchables in my coat somewhere, we could eat those."

"Lunchables?"

Charleston searched through the inner pockets on his coat. "Oh yeah. They're these little lunch things for kids. It comes with meat, cheese, and crackers. Some of them come with a drink and dessert, too. They're good."

"Wouldn't the meat and cheese go bad?"

"I've got a special pocket that keeps things fresh indefinitely. My coat is more than meets the eye, Edolie."

Edolie nodded, with a worried sort of smile.

Charleston finally found the pocket which contained the Lunchables, and he pulled some out. He had three. One was turkey with cheddar and wheat crackers, another was ham and Swiss cheese with butter crackers. The third was salami and American cheese on butter crackers. Charleston scowled at the Lunchables. The drinks and desserts were inconsequential. Indeed, this would be his most difficult choice yet...

WHICH SHOULD CHARLESTON CHOOSE?
CHOICE A (Turkey, cheddar, and wheat)
CHOICE B (Ham, Swiss, and butter crackers)
CHOICE C (Salami, American, and butter crackers)

015: Musical Trees

Left: 6 votes
Right: 0 votes
Straight: 1 vote

---

Edolie was becoming impatient.

"Let's just go straight!" she said, attempting to pull Charleston along.

"No," said Charleston, "Chances are, going straight would just lead us into an infinite loop."

"What about going right?"

"I don't trust going right. I don't trust it at all."

"Then we are going left?"

Charleston nodded, "I've got a good feeling about going left." He put his hat on Edolie's head and pulled it down over her eyes. "There might be some mind-melting terrors from beyond our world in the tunnel. As long as you don't look at them too closely, they'll leave you alone. In your case, I think it'd be best if you saw nothing at all until we came out of the tunnel."

Edolie nodded, and held the hat over her eyes with her free hand. Charleston fixed his hair a bit, and started into the tunnel. There were indeed terrors from beyond their world in the tunnel, indescrible in their appearance, unknowable in the terror they could evoke.

One of them, looking like a monkey made of bone and stone with hollow eyes but much more terrible, took one rock and tapped it on another in an arrhythmic beat. It stared at Charleston and Edolie as they hurried by.

They left the tunnel and came to a clearing with five trees in it and no other tunnels. Charleston took his hat back from Edolie and put it back onto his own head. He walked to each tree and tapped it with his cane, and each one made a metallic sound.

"This is worse than unstable terrain," said Charleston, "This is magic. Someone, or something, is trying to get through to this world and they found some sort of opening. It might have been those Alogrins Land Captain talked about, or it might be something far more sinister. In any case, whatever is going on here is much bigger than an abnormally large frog or some aliens. The worst part is that we might be stuck in this forest."

"We tied the string to a log," said Edolie, whose eyes betrayed her concern.

Charleston gently pulled the string. It fell to the ground, and when Charleston pulled it to him, he saw that the end had been chewed through. Edolie looked at it with horror.

"We might be screwed," said Charleston, "We can't go back the way we came because every time we go through the same tunnel, we increase the chances of being noticed by those things. Even if we did make it through the tunnel again, we would probably end up somewhere else entirely. Also, unless I miss my guess, there will still be nightfall."

"What happens at nightfall?" said Edolie, pulling Charleston closer to her.

"I've been in one of these situations before. My partner and I decided to try our luck with a tunnel, and those things got him. At first, we thought he had just been freaked out by those things. Instead, they turned him into a walking shell of a man. Over time, he lost his hair, his skin, everything, until he was just a skeleton, kept moving because those things never told him to stop. Since he was out of communication with them, he just stood around and did nothing. If there are any in these woods, though, they'll be in communication with those things, and they're nasty."

There was a plop from the other side of the clearing, opposite the tunnel. Both Charleston and Edolie turned towards it, and then they went over to investigate the wall. There was a hairline crack in it.

"Does this mean we are not stuck?" said Edolie.

"If we can figure out a way to open the door, we might stand a chance," said Charleston, trying to lever the door open with his cane. It wasn't working.

Edolie thought for a moment, "The trees made a noise when you hit them, did they not?"

Charleston nodded, and then looked at Edolie with a smile, "It's some sort of sound puzzle! Five trees, five different notes! All we have to do is figure out the proper sequence and the door will open, hopefully!"

Edolie smiled, "How much time do we have before night falls?"

Charleston looked at the sky. The sun was nearing the tree line. "There's not much time. There are five trees, and I think we can safely assume that, since this puzzle stems from nature itself, that each tree can only be hit once in the sequence of five. I think that's twenty-five different sequences, though I could be wrong, I'm terrible at math." He undid the string tying his hand to Edolie's hand, and felt a bit sad about this. He pushed the sadness aside, however, and pulled out a marker. He wrote "1" on the nearest tree, and marked each tree with a different number.

He walked over to the One tree and tapped it with his cane, then repeated the process with trees Two through Five. The door ceased to open. He tried again...

"One, two, three, five, four. No."

"One, two, five, three, four. No!"

"One, five, two, three, four. No, damn it!"

"Five, one, two, three, four."

"One, two, four, three, five."

Edolie watched as he went from tree to tree, again and again, and she shuddered when a wolf howled in the distance. Charleston stopped and stared at the tunnel. Any moment, the slaves of the tunnel-things would emerge. If they could open the new tunnel, it could lead to salvation. In fact, it was their only chance at salvation, since there was no way they could last the night against a constant siege. Someone would have to fight them off, and someone would have to continue trying to hit the right sequence.

"Edolie, come over here," said Charleston, still staring at the tunnel.

"Yes?" she said, walking over to him.

"Any minute now, those things I told you about are going to start coming. One of us could fight them off while the other tries to get the sequence. I want you to try and get the sequence while I fight," said Charleston.

"No. You are not yet able to fight against so many. I shall fight, you shall solve the sequence."

"I'm slow right now, but I don't really need to be able to run to fight these things. We can't both fight, or both try for the sequence, either. We'd never last the night if we fought, and if we both tried for the sequence, we'd probably keep messing it up."

A tunnel-thing slave walked through the tunnel, bits of flesh clinging to its skeleton. Its eyes were empty. Charleston and Edolie looked at it, and turned to each other. Charleston knew he had to move quickly if he wanted to be the one to fight the slaves, and he had to decide now.

014: Lost in the Woods

Wait for Edolie: 4 votes
Don't wait for Edolie: 0 votes

---

Charleston could not, in good conscience, abandon Edolie to her fate. She had many redeeming qualities, after all, and Charleston was sure that, together, they could wrap up this frog thing quite quickly. He sat down on a fallen tree and waited for Edolie.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still waiting for Edolie. He hopped off the fallen tree, grimaced as he landed hard on his bionic leg, and then stumbled back through the woods. He decided to retrace his steps, and eventually found himself right back by the fallen tree.

He pulled out his tape recorder, "More nonsense: after leaving Edolie DePrit by a pond, I decided to go back for her. Despite going straight back the way I came, I ended up back by the fallen tree. Something fishy is going on here."

Charleston knew what to do in this situation: he pulled a spool of string out of his pocket, tied one end to a branch, and began walking, making sure the string remained straight. He wound up back by the fallen tree, with the string still perfectly straight. He sat on the fallen tree again and sighed deeply. He hated unstable terrain.

While he debated about what to do, Edolie came into the clearing, following the string.

"Charleston! Why did you run off and leave me?" she said.

Charleston shrugged, "I thought you might want to change out of your wetsuit."

"It is not a wet-suit. It is an action-suit."

Charleston nodded. Many of the newer agents were opting to wear action-suits, all purpose suits which gave them maximum mobility while showing off their physiques. Charleston was unsure why they needed to wear them while selling insurance, but appreciated their use in a case like this. Besides, thought Charleston, Edolie filled her suit out nicely.

"Why is there a string?" she said.

"I was checking for unstable terrain. Unfortunately, I found out that it was."

Edolie sat next to him, "What do we do?"

Charleston tried to remain professional, and reminded himself of his vampire-possessed girlfriend. "Well, in some cases, there's naturally unstable terrain. You just go in the loop a few times or check for it, and it stabilizes for a bit. Then there's unnaturally unstable terrain, which is terrible since you can't figure out which way is which. Something is probably causing it."

"Oh," said Edolie, looking sadly at the ground.

Charleston felt his heart break a little at the thought of her sadness, tried hard to remember himself and ignore her, and he cursed and blessed whoever assigned Edolie to him. Then he heard a plop, coming from the same direction it had before. Both he and Edolie turned towards the sound.

"I think whatever is making that plop is making the terrain unstable," said Charleston, "I think it's trying to draw people towards it."

Edolie hopped off the tree, and asked, "What if it's a trap?"

She held out her hand to help Charleston down. He gladly took it. "I've a brand new cane and a young woman in an action suit. I'd say we'd be giving it a pretty good fight." Edolie smiled, and Charleston forgot why they were there for a moment. He recovered himself, and added, "I don't know how far away the plopper is going to be. We might have to go through the unstable terrain a bit, and if we do, well, there are some things that live in unstable terrain. Things which are pretty terrible, Edolie."

"I laugh at terror!" said Edolie, "Ha ha ha!"

"You can't be flippant about this," said Charleston, "This is serious business. You mustn’t interact with any living creature except me until we get to a bit where the terrain has settled down."

"I will hold your hand, then, so that we do not get separated. Good idea, yes?" She grabbed Charleston's hand.

"Yes," said Charleston weakly, "Very good idea."

"How will we know when the terrain is stable?"

"We'll know if we come to a large body of water. Water is naturally unstable, so it's unaffected by unstable terrain. This doesn’t mean some of the unstable creatures don’t live in it, though."

Edolie nodded.

Charleston stared at her for a moment, and then at the spool of string. He untied it from the branch and gave it a good yank, bringing it towards him. He took a length of string and wrapped it around his and Edolie's joined hands. Then he tied one end to a branch again, and the pair set out. Shortly after, they encountered a fork in the path. The woods had become quite dense, but there were three large hollow logs. They were dark inside, but looked large enough to walk through.

"Which way?" asked Edolie.

"I don't hear any music," said Charleston, "Sometimes you can hear music coming from a certain tunnel. It's sort of creepy, but quite helpful. So I guess we leave it up to chance and go left, right, or straight."

Edolie nodded, and Charleston hoped that they would choose the correct direction. He would hate to die in these woods.

013: Edolie's Fury

Liana's laboratory: 0 votes
Up the stream: 9 votes
In the woods: 3 votes

---

"Well," said Liana, "The best place to find frogs is upstream."

"Brilliant idea," said Charleston, "Except I just realized that we probably can't go upstream in this thing. Unless we have some sort of boat."

"No boat," said Land Captain, "Mister Banks did send two pairs of fancy water-shoes, though."

Charleston stared at him in disbelief, "He sent water-shoes on a mission with a man who is walking with a cane?"

"Well, maybe you can build a little raft and Miss DePrit can sort of drag you along, Charleston," said Land Captain, "Liana and I will stay here and set up a base."

"Why aren't you coming?"

"I can't stand the water, sir."

"You're a captain, though!"

"The Land Captain."

Charleston pondered this for a moment, and then nodded, "Yes. Yes you are. Do we at least have some tents we can take with us in case it takes longer to get upstream than I think it will?"

"I have already prepared the supplies," said Edolie, "We are ready, Mister Charge!"

"I like your gumption," said Charleston, tipping his hat.

"Thank you, Mister Charge. Liana has gone to fetch a rubber raft she kept in her lab. When she returns, we can depart."

Charleston nodded, and exited the RV. The last time he had been here, Liana had attacked him with a school of murderous flying fish. He hoped this time would go better. Liana emerged from the very lab she had attacked him in, with a self-inflating raft. She inflated it and placed it in the water. Edolie put the supplies in the raft, and beckoned Charleston forward. He eased himself into the raft as Edolie put on a pair of water-shoes and a skin-tight wetsuit.

Well, thought Charleston, at least the view will be nice.

The pair set out, with Charleston trying not to stare at Edolie’s backside. Unfortunately, it was the most interesting thing to see. Ten minutes later, they came to the end of the stream, to a small pond. The raft completely covered it. Edolie helped Charleston out of the raft.

"Well," said Charleston, "I've seen this frog. It couldn't fit into this pond."

Edolie nodded, "I have heard your report. I do not think any frog lives in this pond, to be honest. It is not the right sort of place for a frog."

Charleston could not help himself, "So you say there are no frogs here?"

"There are no frogs here."

"Ah, but there's one frog here," said Charleston, pointing at Edolie, "You're French! You're a frog!" He laughed.

Edolie looked at him coldly, "That is not funny, Mister Charge."

Charleston laughed some more, and said, "I know, it's terrible. I just couldn't help myself."

Edolie went from cold, to pouty, "I thought we might be friends, Mister Charge, and then you go and make fun of me." She turned around. "You make me sad. Why do you do this?" She began to cry.

Charleston's heart broke. "I'm sorry, Edolie, I just thought it would be funny, is all."

The tears vanished, and she turned around and poked him in the chest, "It is not funny, Mister Charge! Why do you make fun of me for my own amusement? I cannot help being French! The only one who could receive any amount of joy from your terrible joke is you! There is no one else here!"

Charleston backed away from Edolie’s fury. "I'm sorry, Edolie, I really am. I didn't know-"

"You did not know? You did not know? Oh, I shall make fun of her and not know it would hurt her! I read your file, Mister Charge! It is no wonder your girlfriend left you for a vampire, if you are this rude!" Edolie’s hand shot to her mouth.

Charleston looked at the ground and covered his face, "She was under mind control, or something. He had a glamour on her I think. Someday I'm going to go free her, and we'll be happy. Until then, please don't mention her. It hurts too much to hear about her, to know that I might never get to see her again, to hold her again. I can win her back, I just know I can, if I just get a chance. I don't care what anyone else says. I can win her back." He turned around.

Edolie and Charleston stood by the pond for a moment, in silence. In the distance, there was a plop.

"I am sorry, Mister Charge," said Edolie, "I was out of place to say that."

Charleston said nothing.

"Please, Mister Charge!" said Edolie, stepping forward and putting her hand on his shoulder, "Please do not hate me! We have only known each other for not even one day, and I do not want us to get a bad start!"

Charleston put his finger to his lips, and shushed her.

In the distance, there was another plop.

"Did you hear that?" he whispered.

"Do you think it is the frog?" asked Edolie.

"Maybe. I think we should go after it."

"Yeah," said Charleston, "Get the capture stuff out of the raft. I need to take some notes."

Edolie trotted over to the raft, and Charleston pulled out his tape recorder. He sighed happily, and turned it on, "During a brief verbal confrontation with my partner, I heard what sounded like a plop in the distance. We suspect it may be the frog we are looking for. Edolie has gone to get supplies, and then we are setting off after it." He put the tape recorder away as Edolie walked back with a satchel.

"This will be all we need, Mister Charge," she said.

Charleston took Edolie’s hand, and looked her in the eyes, "Edolie, before we go, I want to apologize for what I said. It was very rude of me, and I'm usually not like that. I have no idea what came over me."

Edolie was blushing, and she smiled a little, "I would also like to apologize. It was unprofessional of me to bring up your personal past, Mister Charge."

"Well, we have time to make it up to each other. Oh, and call me Charleston." He pulled his hand back, smiled, and walked off in the direction of the plop. "Hopefully you'll live! All my other partners have been killed or otherwise disposed of in the line of duty!" He tipped his hat to her, and walked off into the woods.

"Are you making a joke again, Charleston?" said Edolie, with a chuckle. After a few seconds, she said, "Charleston?"

He was already out of earshot, adapting nicely to his cane and bionic leg. He honestly did hope Edolie would live, and therefore stopped for a moment to plan his next course of action.

He could continue on without Edolie. This would give him the chance to investigate by himself. Unfortunately, this would also leave Edolie alone in the woods. Charleston distrusted the woods, and really didn't want to leave Edolie in there alone.

Then again, if he waited for her, she would be put directly into harm's way. He could protect her better, but the fact remained that all his other partners met their fate when Charleston was there to watch. It was a difficult choice, but one he had to make quickly.

012: Edolie DePrit

Ubreakable fiberglass cane: 2 votes
Cane with a concealed blade: 2 votes
Techno-cane: 5 votes

---

Charleston Charge was quite angry. Nurse Melody had insisted on dressing him, and her bedside manner left a lot to be desired. The pants had been an especially dire trial. He had steadfastly refused to put on his long coat and fedora-like hat, and they were now draped on the back of the wheelchair he had been forced to sit in. As he was wheeled through the front doors of TYRIS, he saw Land Captain standing with Liana Koleyna and another woman. An RV with two trailers latched to it was behind them.

"Ahoy, Charleston," said Land Captain with a salute, "I'm still assigned to drive you for this mission. They've also put me in charge of keeping Liana out of trouble, so she's coming along too. She's not too crazy anymore, though, so you don't have to worry."

"Not really all that worried, Land Captain. I am wondering who she is, though," said Charleston, pointing at the other woman.

"My name is Edolie DePrit. I am your assistant," she said.

"I see," said Charleston, whose eyes refused to stop looking at Edolie. He blinked several times, and then looked back over to Land Captain, "What's in the trailers?"

"Well, we'll be doing most of our living in the RV. The first trailer has our food and other supplies, while the other one has some other supplies. Paraphernalia, you might call it."

Charleston narrowed his eyes, "What sort of paraphernalia?"

"Well, Ishmael's in there, for one thing."

"What else is in there, Land Captain?"

"Liana's fish."

"The ones that mangled my leg?"

"They might come in handy, Mister Charge! Besides, Liana says they're really well trained. They won't attack anyone without her telling them to."

"I want to hear it from her. Is this true, Liana?"

She blushed, then nodded and smiled.

"Why are you being so quiet?" said Charleston.

"She's sort of embarrassed about the whole evil genius thing, Mister Charge. She should get over it eventually, though."

"Yes. I see," said Charleston. He thought for a moment, and then turned back to Edolie, "What are your qualifications?"

"I was trained as a field agent for the French secret service with a concentration in medicine. I promise you I will not slow you down while we pursue the frog," said Edolie.

"Wait, we?"

"Well, yes. While you have your new cane, it would not wise to send you wandering around the woods by yourself while you adjust to your new leg. I will be your partner, your constant companion, your shadow."

"How are you in the woods, though?"

"I've been given what I've been told to be the proper attire, and a quick lesson in forest survival. So I am adequate for our purpose."

"Oh. How did you know which cane I wanted? I only decided last night."

"I was not the one who ordered your cane. Someone merely assumed you would want this one," said Edolie, proffering a box.

Charleston opened it to find the titanium-reinforced techno-cane. He took it out of the box, and weighed it thoughtfully. "Edolie, help me up. I would like to try out this cane."

Edolie held out an arm, and Charleston used it to stand up. He wavered for a moment, and then placed the cane on the ground. When he thought he had attained some balance, he let go of Edolie's arm. He was unsteady for a moment, but managed to remain erect. He took an experimental step, and found his new leg to be nearly indistinguishable from the biological one. He took his coat from the back of the wheelchair, having Edolie helping him into it, and then he picked up his hat and placed it carefully on his head.

"All right, I'm ready," said Charleston, heading over to the RV. Edolie helped him into the passenger seat, while Land Captain prepared to drive. Liana and Edolie went into the back of the RV.

"Where to, Charleston?" asked Land Captain, "I know we're off to find the frog, but where should we set up camp?"

"Well, we could set it up in front of Liana's lab. We could also go into the woods, or follow the river."

"Pretty much the same choices we had when we first went to find out if the frog existed," said Land Captain.

"Pretty much." Except, this time, they had someone who knew the area with them. Charleston chose to take advantage of this. He turned around, and said, "Well, Liana, what do you think?"

011: One Froggy Mission

Charleston Charge and the Frog of Chaos: 6 votes
Charleston Charge and the False Prophet: 5 votes
Charleston Charge and the Lost City of Uhld: 0 votes

---

Charleston thoughtfully chewed his delicious waffles. It had been a month since Land Captain had rescued him from Liana Koleyna, and he had almost completely healed. In any case, he was more than able to leave TYRIS and pursue a goal or two. He knew what he wanted to do, too. He would seek out the cult of the False Prophet, and hopefully free his girlfriend from the False Prophet's thrall. It would take some work, and some time off, but he was willing to do the first one and had plenty of the second one coming to him. He hit the alert button, and a nurse who looked like a fertility goddess came in.

"Yes, Mister Charge?" she asked, her voice low and gruff.

"I would like a vacation form, Miss Melody," said Charleston, "Oh, and some more waffles."

An hour later, after the form had been filled out and returned and the waffles eaten, Robin Banks arrived, with a smile on his face.

"So you're ready to leave, Charleston?" he said.

"Sure am."

"Then we should celebrate!" said Robin, throwing some confetti at Charleston.

He picked up one of the larger pieces, and saw that it was his vacation form, shred to bits. He looked over to Robin, who radiated smugness.

"You're still on assignment, Charleston. After you bag the frog, or at least find out what its deal is, then you can take your vacation."

"You're a jerk, Robin."

"Hey, it's not me. This order came from the Dispatcher himself. Too many agents have been taking missions to exotic locations only to quit them and take two weeks of vacation."

"My mission is in a forest, and you know how much I hate recreational camping. I always attract every weird creature within a ten mile radius. It's hard to relax when every cryptozoological creature, escaped government experiment, and alien pet around is bothering you."

"Then you'll be pleased to know that you won't be going on this assignment alone, and we've provided adequate shelter for the duration of the mission."

"You mean I have to stay out there until I find the frog?"

"Certainly. Land Captain says you were quite interested in finding the frog, after all. You should be pleased."

"I was interested when I didn't know I'd be forced to spend who knows how much time in the woods."

Robin shrugged, and said, "You leave tomorrow. I've sent someone to fetch your clothes. You've no way out of this, by the way, so don't even try."

"I wasn't even planning on it."

"Certainly. Now, since you're technically handicapped now, with a bionic leg, we thought it would be wise to supply you with a cane and an assistant. While you do not have the choice of assistant, we will allow you to choose your cane. We know how much you like choices, Charleston."

"This is pretty much the worse choice you could give me, Robin."

"What with you setting off to finish your mission tomorrow, we thought it'd be wise to just give you a small choice to make. Keep your mental reserves as full as you can, and all that."

"You're a saint, Robin."

"Here's a brochure with all the fun and interesting canes you can choose. Have fun, Charleston."

Charleston sighed, and looked at the brochure. Three canes caught his eye: one was a fiberglass cane, supposedly able to break through cinder blocks. Potentially useful, thought Charleston. The other was a simple wooden cane, at least on the outside. Its head came off, revealing a long, thin blade. It had its charms, certainly. The third was, by far, the most technologically impressive. Its head had several buttons on it, and it was apparently able to fire darts, shoot out gas, and emit electrical shocks. It was made of finished oak with a titanium center.

Well, thought Charleston, I might as well choose.

005: Attack of the Freak-Fish

Fight the fish: 7 votes
Run from the lab: 2 votes
Call for help: 5 votes

---

If Charleston ran or called for help, the freak-fish would no doubt lunge at him and devour him. The only way he could potentially survive is to stand and fight. He adjusted the silver gloves he had put on earlier, and then ducked quickly, pulling a table in front of him. He needed all the help he could get. Unfortunately, his swift action seemed to have startled the freak-fish into attacking. They let out some sort of weird noise, sort of like a garbled shriek, and several of them hit the table. A lot more of them made their way over the table. Some broke their jaws on Charleston's special gloves, and he managed to take out quite a few of them. However, their numbers were too much. Soon, his clothes were in tatters and his body, while much more resistant than a normal human's, was bleeding. He opened his cell phone and speed dialed headquarters, but was too weak to say anything. He dropped the phone, and as he took what he thought was his last breath, he heard someone shout.

"Git off him, you bloody bastard fish! Git off him!"

It was too late for Charleston, however, and he fell into unconsciousness. The fish left him, however, and the man who saved him placed him on a table and tried to dress his many wounds.

An hour later, Land Captain arrived with another agent. He was a nebbish-looking man with thick, round glasses. The man who saved Charleston stood outside the lab, drinking a bottle of beer. He saw the two men, wiped the foam off his mustache, and stood up.

Land Captain was on the man instantly, pushing him against the wall and shouting, "Who are you and what happened to Mister Charge?"

"Name's Edgar. Edgar Koleyna. 'Fraid this is all my fault."

"How so?" asked the nebbish-looking man.

"I'd like to know who I'm speaking with before spilling my guts, sir," said Edgar.

"My name is Robin Banks, and this is the Land Captain. He has a strong sense of justice. Now, what happened and why is this all your fault?"

"I used to joke with my granddaughter, I did. I used to tell her that someday I was going to catch me a fish and teach it how to eat human flesh. When my grandkids would act up, I'd have 'em put one hand in, then the other hand in, and then they'd have no hand no more. I was just joking, honest, but then my granddaughter just got it into her mind to breed fish that could do just that," said Edgar, wiping away a tear.

Robin stared at him. "The both of you do know that there are fish that naturally eat human flesh, don't you?"

Edgar shrugged, "I guess she did. I did, too, it was just my way to joke like that. Never thought it'd see a man killed, which I guess answers the Land Captain's second question."

Land Captain let Edgar fall to the ground, and then he ran into the lab. He came out carrying Charleston's bloody body.

"He's still alive, but barely," said Land Captain, "We need to get him to a hospital."

"Screw the hospital," said Robin, "We need to get him to TYRIS."

Land Captain nodded, "We'll put Charleston in the trunk. It's special. He'll be safe there."

Robin nodded. Land Captain put Charleston in the trunk, and then the trio sped towards the nearest TYRIS office. When they arrived there was a gurney waiting for them. They moved Charleston from the trunk to the gurney, and then went into the building to meet with the head of the office. Land Captain, Robin, and the office head listened to Charleston's tape recorder.

"What should be done about this, sir?" asked Robin.

"While we do not frown upon mad science and its actions in general, when it is used against one of our agents we must take action! Liana Koleyna must be apprehended and her experiments destroyed."

Land Captain coughed politely.

"Yes?"

"I would like to volunteer for that job, sir. She's a super-villain, basically, and I'm a super-hero," said Land Captain.

"Your enthusiasm is noted and appreciated, but this woman has a very dangerous fish at her disposal," said the office head.

"Well, I'm the Land Captain. I think I could probably take on some fish, with the right gear," said Land Captain.

"Very well. Report to our research and development department. You'll be outfitted so that you can take this witch in."

Land Captain saluted, and marched out. Robin and the office head watched him leave, and then Robin said, "How much of a chance does Charleston have?"

"He should live. The man would have probably healed eventually if we dropped him in the woods somewhere. With our help, he should be back on his feet within the month. At least, one foot. His left leg was torn up quite badly, and may never be the same even with out help."

Robin nodded, "That's good to know. He's one of our top agents."

"Indeed he is," said the office head, "I just hope that Land Captain can bring in the witch that did this to him."

-

Should we join Land Captain as he goes to fight Professor Koleyna, or watch Robin Banks as he does BUREAUCRACY?

004: Stamp... stamp... stamp...

Call in a specialist: 2 votes
Sneak into the lab: 7 votes
Make amends: 6 votes
Follow the path into the woods: 0 votes
Follow the stream: 0 votes

---

Charleston's thirst for knowledge was great. Specifically, the knowledge of what lay within the lab. The two most prudent paths for him would be to apologize to Professor Koleyna, or wait for her to leave the lab and sneak into it. He thought about both scenarios for a bit. Truth be told, Charleston was only a man of words as long as it related to insurance. He also had a way with women, a way which usually left him injured in some way. The only woman he had ever dated was bitten by a vampire and was currently a member of the vampire's cult, and it was pretty much Charleston's fault this happened. Therefore, the course of action was clear: he would wait until Koleyna left the lab, and sneak in. All he had to do was wait...

An hour later, he was still waiting when Land Captain returned with Charleston's new boots. Charleston was sure Land Captain's arrival had made Koleyna stay inside the lab, just to be spiteful. Grumbling, Charleston put on his new boots while Land Captain rambled on about how he had thwarted an alien abduction attempt on the way there. Then, an idea struck him. It was a terrible idea, but it just might work.

"Well, I guess the frog is not going to show up today!" shouted Charleston, towards the lab, "I might as well leave, gee golly gee whiz!"

Land Captain was befuddled, "Are you all right, Mister Charge?"

"Just play along!" whispered Charleston, who then raised his voice, "Yep, just a false alarm I guess!"

Land Captain touched the brim of his hat, and then got into the car. Charleston got into the back, vainly trying to see if Koleyna was watching. He could not see, and soon they were off. A minute or so later, Charleston had Land Captain stop the car.

"I'll call you when I'm done here, Land Captain," said Charleston.

"What are you going to do," asked Land Captain.

"Make my way back to the lab through the woods. I figure that if Koleyna doesn't see me, then she'll be willing to leave the lab for a bit."

"You're a clever one."

"Not really. It's one of the oldest tricks there is," said Charleston, getting out of the car. He watched Land Captain drive off, and then began walking down the road, his long coat flapping in the wind. He held onto his hat - something resembling a fedora, but not quite a fedora - and looked up at the sky. It was turning gray. Charleston groaned, and trekked on. Then, he realized something: Land Captain's car could go fast. Quite fast, and in quite a short time. Therefore, he had no idea how far away he was from the lab.

Then the rain came. The drops came down like tiny little daggers, stabbing at Charleston's face and wetting down his hair. Drops dripped down his back. He put up his color and scrunched his shoulders in an attempt to stave off the wetness. He buttoned up his coat so that the things he put in its inner pockets wouldn't get wet, and he stamped down the now muddy road. By now, it was more swamp than road. As he stamped, he thought he heard something else stamping. He stopped, and listened:

Stamp... stamp... stamp... stamp...

It was coming up the road, whatever it was. Panic and curiosity rose up within Charleston, and he knew he had few options...

The stamping was too close. He had to make a choice now, and he had no time to think. He dashed off the road, hid behind a tree, took out his tape recorder, and waited.

Stamp... stamp... stamp...

Charleston watched as a giant non-anthropomorphic frog hopped down the road towards his hiding place. He clicked on his tape recorder, and began whispering.

"I have visual confirmation of the rumored giant frog. It is non-anthropomorphic, about as big as a Buick, I think, and it appears to be relatively healthy..."

Stamp... stamp... stamp...

"Each hop takes it, oh, maybe ten yards? It doesn't appear to be trying, though. I'm guessing it could take a much larger jump if it actually tried. I wonder if I could ride it..."

Stamp... stamp... stamp.

"The giant frog has stopped right in front of me. It's not looking at my hiding place, it's just sort of... sitting there. Like it can sense me or something? Do frogs have some sort of... froggy-sense? Could be worth looking into."

There was a flash of lightning and the roar of thunder. The frog let out a monstrous croak, quickly turned around, and let loose with a mighty jump. Charleston ran out from behind the tree.

"I can still see it, and I'd say it jumped around seventy yards, give or take. Ah, wait, I know..." said Charleston, pulling a gadget out of his pocket, "I'll use the digital tape measure."

He wedged a small spike into the back-most part of the frog's footprints, and then stopped. The frog was still sitting there. Charleston shrugged, and then ran towards it. When he got closer, he shouted gibberish at it, and the frog jumped again. Charleston knelt down where the frog had sat.

"The giant frog was scared of me. Curious, but I guess that means it's not a natural giant. Perhaps some sort of mutation. Or maybe it's just a coward. In any case..." Charleston held the digital tape measure at the back-most part of the newly vacated frog prints. It read 74.6 yards. "The frog jumped about seventy-five yards."

There was another flash of lightning, roll of thunder, and monstrous croak. Charleston clicked on his tape recorder as the croak echoed through the woods and said, "That was the frog." He put away the digital tape measure and tape recorder, and then began trekking after the frog. If he was lucky, he might be able to catch it. If not, then at least he was keeping busy.

Half an hour later, Charleston saw the lab in the distance. At this point, he could not do much sneaking since he was sopping wet, but he intended to try to sneak into the lab regardless. He walked into the woods, sighed as his feet sank a little into the mud, and made his way towards the lab. As he walked, the mud sucked at his boots. When he was close to the lab, he stopped and realized that there was no way he could figure out if Koleyna had left or not, since the lab had no windows. He did hear the distinctive noise of rain bouncing off a tarp, and this did little for his mood. He had intended to sneak into the lab through the hole in the roof, and the tarp would make things very difficult. Coupled with the rain, the task would be nearly impossible without any sort of gear. Charleston pulled out his tape recorder, said, "Note to self: always bring climbing equipment" and put the recorder back into his pocket.

After pondering what to do, Charleston picked up a rock and hurled it at the door. He did this with several rocks, and eventually Professor Koleyna opened the door. Charleston tossed more rocks away from the lab, and Koleyna closed the door. Charleston sighed deeply, but then Koleyna opened the door again and left the lab. She looked around, then placed her palms against each other and closed her eyes. A flash of light erupted from the ground, and she was gone. Charleston dashed for the door, and once he was safely inside he took out his tape recorder and said, "Fish doctor is not what she seems." Then he walked over to the table with the notebook on it, and was rather shocked to see that the notebook was no longer there.

"How dare she take measures against my snooping!" said Charleston to a curious carp.

This gave Charleston some pause. If she had taken preventative measures against his snooping, why was the door unlocked? No doubt she would have done that first, if she wanted her activities to remain a secret. Only then did he realize that he could no longer hear the rain on the tarp, and that the part of the lab that was under the hole in the roof was becoming drenched. This was troublesome, and Charleston turned towards the door only to see the notebook taped to it. He quickly pulled it off the door, and flipped back a few pages.

Charleston read the page several times, finally exclaiming, "A freaking tree put a hole in the roof? Seriously? A tree? I went through all that trouble just to find out the hole in the roof was an act of nature?"

He flipped forward through the notebook, and read the last page:

"Dear Mister Charge,

You should really have known better. No means no, especially when it comes to insurance. Your curiosity is an attractive trait, but as they say, curiosity killed the cat. Here are some other tidbits to satisfy your curiosity: I have dabbled in mad science. My efforts have produced a fish combining the ability to survive outside of water of a mudskipper, the mouths of a piranha, the ferocity of a barracuda, the mobility of a flying fish, and the ability to cling of a clingfish. They also have heightened intelligence and a sort of hive-mind. I hope you have fun with them.

Sincerely yours,
Professor Liana Koleyna."

In the darkness in the corner of the lab, Charleston finally noticed the light glinting off hundreds of shiny teeth. This was going to be painful, and he had few options. He could probably take out a few fish, but there were several dozen of them and only one of him. He could also run from the lab, but that would only be a temporary measure with the hole in the roof. The final thing he could do was call for assistance. At least, the final thing he was willing to do. What was worse is that he had only moments to think of a solution...

003: Professor Liana Koleyna

Investigate the building: 15 votes
Follow the stream: 7 votes
Go into the woods: 2 votes

---

Charleston knew a good field agent would follow the stream. After all, a giant frog would inevitably live close to the water. Then again, it may have been a wood frog or possibly a giant toad. Charleston wasn't too sure, but believed toads and wood frogs lived in the woods. Therefore, it would be prudent to follow the forest path.

Then he realized he was wearing his nice shoes. Well, then, there was no way he was going to blindly traipse through the woods in his nice shoes. He looked over at Land Captain.

"Hey, Land Captain," said Charleston, pulling out his wallet, "If I give you some money, can you go get me a pair of boots? I think I'll need them."

Land Captain took the money, fired off a salute, and said, "What size?"

"Eleven and a half or twelve. Thanks."

With that, Land Captain sped off. Charleston reevaluated his options. The woods and stream were out. That left the damaged building. He took a pair of silver gloves out of his pocket and put them on, and then walked over to the building. He knocked on the door, just in case, and then opened it.

Inside the building was a laboratory which would have been quite clean if not for the section of roof that had fallen in on it. The three walls that remained standing were covered in aquariums, and each aquarium had a single fish inside. The one closest to Charleston had a goldfish in it, except its coloring was exceptionally metallic. In fact, the sunlight glinted off all the fish in bizarre ways. Charleston took out a tape recorder and mentioned this. He put away the tape recorder and walked over to one of the lab's tables and began paging through a notebook. He went to the latest entry, and then took out the tape recorder again.

"Latest entry is dated yesterday. It's an inventory of experiments lost due to some catastrophe. Possibly the giant frog? Maybe one of the previous entries will shed some light on this..."

Charleston was about to turn the page when someone grabbed his wrist and coughed indignantly. He followed the hand's arm to a chest, and then quickly averted his eyes.

"Sorry, ma'am. I had no idea you were female." He hoped the woman didn't notice he was blushing.

"Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in my lab?" said the woman, still holding onto Charleston's wrist.

"Your lab? One second," said Charleston, pulling out his tape recorder with his free hand, "Damaged lab belongs to... what's your name?"

She glared at him for a moment, and then said, "Liana Koleyna."

"Belongs to Liana Koleyna. Miss-"

"Professor."

"Professor Koleyna, my name is Charleston Charge. I have come here on behalf of the TYRIS Group due to reports of an abnormally large amphibian. He quite possibly sits on a log in the swamp playing the banjo while singing about rainbow connections."

She gasped, and said, "A giant frog?"

"A giant frog. Do you have any information?"

"I'm just an ichthyologist, Mister Charge. I'm working on a way to make fish more resilient in order to withstand water pollution."

"I see. I won't bother you about the practical aspects of such an endeavor, but I will ask you this: would you like to buy some insurance? We offer a special rate for mad scientists. Since you're already a scientist, you could perhaps work on making some sort of composite fish to gain the 'mad' label."

She glared at him again, and then asked, "Would it cover the damage to my roof?"

"Well, no, since it's already damaged. If it's damaged again, however, we would be able to offer full coverage if the damage is a result of mad science. If you want additional protection, say, against a giant frog, you'd have to buy additional policies."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. I think you should leave, Mister Charge," she said, dragging him out the door. Once he was outside, she slammed the door.

Charleston shrugged, straightened his tie, and said, "She refused to elaborate on the giant frog. Also, no further clues as to why the roof is damaged. I am going to investigate."

He walked over the building and noticed a distinct lack of windows. There were also no tracks on the ground. No tire tracks, no frog tracks, no tracks of any kind. Furthermore, from this angle, it looked like the roof had simply caved in. Then again, he was no forensics specialist. He could call one in, though. He filed this away in a mental databank.

Another thing he had noticed in the lab was the distinct lack of a refrigerator or any sort of cooking apparatus. Koleyna had to eat, and perhaps he could sneak into the lab while she was gone. Yes, it was a bit unethical, but if it helped him get to the bottom of this, then it would be worth it. Then again, he could just try to make amends with Koleyna and get his information that way. Barring that, he could always just wait for Land Captain and follow the path into the woods or the stream. One thing was certain: he would not yet give up. If he gave up, there was a good chance he would get fired.

Charleston walked over to a large rock and sat down and began to think.

002: The Land Captain

Fifteen minutes later, after eating some delicious waffles, Charleston had come to a decision. He was not really in the mood to deal with things he might not be able to see, and might not even be there. This ruled out everything but the giant frog, and seriously, how much of a problem could a giant frog be? He should be there and back before dinner. He pulled out his phone and called up the Dispatcher.

"Is the giant frog assignment still available?" he asked.

There was some static, then an obviously disguised voice said, "Indeed it is, Mister Charge. The car has already been sent to take you to your destination. Have a nice day, Mister Charge."

The phone clicked, and Charleston went outside to find a man dressed like a captain standing by a Buick. The Buick's back door was open and the captain was grinning like a madman.

"Are you the driver the company sent?" asked Charleston. Several times in the past, he had been kidnapped by various opponents to his company. He found it paid to ask these kinds of questions, because at the very least it gave you plausible deniability.

"I sure am, Mister Charge," said the driver, "You can just go ahead and call me Land Captain."

Charleston raised an eyebrow, "Land Captain?"

"I'm a superhero. I generally fight aliens. I've saved the universe a few times, you know. Me and Ishmael, here."

"You named your car Ishmael?"

"Sure did. We can chat more in the car, but we'd better get going."

Charleston nodded and got into the car, and the Land Captain got into the driver's seat. He pulled some switches, turned the key, and they were on their way.

"Do you know the way there, Land Captain?" asked Charleston, fighting the urge to doze off.

"Nope, but Ishmael does," said Land Captain, "He's pretty smart as far as cars go."

Charleston knew he would have to keep an eye on this Land Captain. He seemed to be insane, but the Company wouldn't send a madman to drive him, would they? He was about to pass a comment about the unlikeliness of a superhero working as a driver when he realized that the car was going a wee bit too fast. The world outside was little more than a blur.

"Land Captain! How fast are we going?"

"Fast as we can, sir! Speed is of the essence, and ol' Ishmael here can go pretty darn fast. Don't worry, though, we won't run into anything and no one will see us. Like I said, Ishmael is a special sort of car."

Charleston nodded, then quickly buckled his safety belt and tried to dig his nails into the car's seat. He closed his eyes and prayed they'd be there before...

The car stopped.

Oh thank whatever gods there were, the car stopped.

"We're here, Mister Charge!" said Land Captain with a smile, then he chuckled, "Don't worry, I've been assigned as your personal driver. You'll get used to ol' Ishmael eventually."

All the blood drained from Charleston's face. He had faced down demons and hydras in the past with a knowing smirk, but this car was something altogether different. There was something unearthly about it, and Charleston decided he would some day find out what it was.

"Ah, before I forget," said Land Captain, reaching into his pocket, "When you're done, or when you need a ride, just give me call." He handed a card to Charleston, who took it and shoved it into his pocket.

"Thanks a million. I'll be sure to do that."

Charleston had barely gotten out of the car when it zoomed away. He let out a sigh of relief, and then looked around. He was surrounded by woods. There was a damaged building nearby, and it was built by a stream. Off to his left there was a path leading into the woods, away from both the stream and the building.

He wondered if he should investigate the building, follow the stream, or go into the woods...

001: The Assignments

Today felt special, Charleston had to admit. He had no idea why this was so, but there was just something that made it unique. He'd have to be a bit more careful today, then, since the last time he felt odd some goblin creature tried to gnaw off his leg. In any case, it was time to find out what he had to deal with today. He logged onto his company's website and followed the arcane hints to the current assignments page. He allowed his mind to wander for a second as he recalled the story behind the hints.

Long ago, his branch of the company had a fellow called the Dispatcher. In the days before computers, he ruled over the mail room and sent up messages most urgent to the various insurance agents. He had a bit of a knack for knowing which agent was best suited to which job. As the technology improved and the Dispatcher grew older (and he was quite old to begin with), he learned all the skills he needed to keep his job. Once the company started allowing employees to log in from home, he began making sure only employees and the exceptionally sharp could make it into the system by instituting the hints. It was a good system, and it kept out the riff-raff. Unfortunately, no one had seen the Dispatcher for several years, and it was widely believed that he had either come up with an advanced artificial intelligence to handle the chores of dispatch, or that his soul had entered cyberspace and haunted the company's web site. Charleston had very few thoughts on the matter, and was simply glad the system worked. A bit too well, however, as he had four assignments waiting for him.

There were two kinds of assignments, really: the appointments and the ones where they just arrived. The first assignment was one of the latter: a man had recently purchased a house that was somewhat deep in the forest. There were reports of him walking in his sleep and trying to pry the iron grate off an abandoned well, and the whole thing reeked of some sort of possession. Charleston groaned, because you never knew who was doing the possessing. He jotted down "Possessed Somnambulist Homeowner" into his notebook.

The second assignment was from a rural area, and unsurprisingly, had to do with crop circles and mutilated cows. Apparently, there were also unconfirmed reports of UFO activity. The smart money pointed to aliens, and so Charleston wrote down "Clichéd Aliens" in his notebook.

The third assignment was a cryptozoological thing, with rumors of some sort of giant bipedal frog mucking about. Charleston wrote down "Giant Frog" and wondered why the heck anyone would need insurance against a giant frog. Perhaps the area had some insect farms or something.

The final assignment was actually requested by the potential customer. She was sure her house was haunted, though she could be just paranoid. Charleston recalled that seventy-five percent of last year's appointments ended up being false alarms. Which is not to say that they weren't fruitful: people prone to calling up the company were also prone to buying insurance. After pondering this for a moment, Charleston wrote "Potential Haunting" in his notebook.

Charleston logged off and closed his computer, pondering over which assignment to take...